Losing My Apartment

When I first moved to my apartment in Independence on September 30th 2019. I had a full time warehouse job. I was able to afford my rent and bills back then and even save a little bit each month. But when the knee injury happened and then I was about to be fired because my body could no longer do the job and make quota, I resigned to go back to Hy-Vee. Only I went to work at the Independence #2 Hy-Vee because it was close to where I lived. I have done fairly well there but because I have been stuck with under 30 hours as a part timer, I ended up with less and less money each month.

I had been hoping to get full time work with Hy-Vee and be able to afford things. I also had hoped that my former roommate River would have worked and helped me pay rent. But no, I worked to the best of my ability but had less money each month. I was able to still pay the rent but only because of settlement money and withdrawing my 401k from my previous job. Now the money is out, the rent has gone up, my lease expires in October, and I am running out of time for a miracle to happen. Even if Hy-Vee does in fact give me more hours at this point, it may be too late. The rent is going to go up even more and I may still not be able to renew it because I have to have 3 times the monthly rent amount in gross income to be allowed to renew the lease. I’m currently below and I doubt I will be able to keep this apartment. Rent is just too expensive. Renting an apartment anywhere in Independence Missouri is usually $800 to $1000 a month. I have searched online quite a bit and the irrefutable fact is that it’s too expensive to live when all I want is a safe place to live where I can eat, sleep, take a shower, and try to relax when I am on my own time.

At this point I am very angry because being a hardworking honest person does NOT reward a person in this economy. I have no savings, no retirement fund, a complete joke of insurance, and soon I won’t even have my own home.

The good news is, I probably will not end up out on the street. I will probably either have to go back to stay with my mom for awhile or find somebody in this area with a spare room or basement I can rent so that I can still walk to work. I do absolutely love my job in Hy-Vee Floral but I fear I may have to lose it if I am not living in a location where I can consistently walk to work.

But that’s not the worst of it. The worst thing about my situation is the judgement from other people who judge the people who are poor or homeless. People have judged me for years for not having a car. What they don’t realize is that even my own mother doesn’t have a car. We have been poor the entire time I was growing up.

People assume that if someone doesn’t have enough money for their rent, bills, food, etc. that it’s their fault or that they must be doing something wrong. Additionally there is great criticism of people who still live with their parents. I lived with my mom until I was 33 years old and it was purely financial reasons that I had to. I temporarily had a better situation when Brillient hired me for the full time job but now that I lost it, I am back where I started.

But not entirely where I started. I am 3 years older, a bit more experienced and wiser, and at least I was able to have my orchiectomy and be out of physical pain because of the insurance I used to have in 2020 before I lost my job.

But the purpose of this post is not for anyone to feel sorry for me. I know I will survive and find happiness somehow. A valuable skill that I still very much need to learn is how to find joy even when times are bad and to be content even though I do not have control over my financial life or living situation. I’ve done about as well as anyone could in my situation. I’ll survive one way or another, just not the way I would have preferred.

There is also the fact that it would be good to spend more time with my mom while she is still alive. This could be twisted into a good thing if I follow the principle of the “Paradoxical Pony Power of Positive Perspective” that Honesty the unicorn taught me. There is always good even in bad situations just as there is bad in good situations.

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!” – Rocky Balboa

The Dishonest Practice of Shadow Banning

Recently one of my top YouTube commenters by the name neoskeptic has accused me of deleting his comments. However this is not the case. Instead his comments are not even showing for me when I log into my account. However, I recently checked my comments and noticed a “Held for review” section and some of Neo’s comments appeared there. I then clicked to “approve” one of them and then it disappeared entirely and I could no longer find it. So clearly Youtube is deciding to hide or delete the comments neoskeptic has been leaving.

But it’s not just there either. I also noticed when checking my spam in my email that all Pro-Life sites that I had subscribed to are automatically going to spam even though I have repeatedly clicked the “not spam” button many times.

Considering that google owns gmail and also YouTube, I suspect that they are heavily interested in controlling who sees what content. Even family and friends could be emailing us without us knowing because the powers that be decide to hide it from us.

Things like this have led to me becoming really distrustful of the internet. It’s also the reason why a lot of my content has changed. I don’t talk hardly ever about veganism, abortion, or other topics very much because I know what I write about will be deleted or hidden on social media so why even bother writing it in the first place?

The moral of this story is that very few people even know what I think or believe about anything save for those who talk to me locally outside of the internet or those who have done extended lengthy private messages and podcasts with me.

But one thing that everyone will always know is that I’m really good at Tetris. For everything else, people can read my books.

The Long Term Effects of Abuse

This is not something I have talked about much but recently I have become aware of just how permanent the psychological effects are from when I was sexually abused as a child.

I also have decided to officially break my silence on who it was that sodomized me at the age of two. It was my older brother who was adopted into our family. There are two reasons I finally knew that I needed to tell about this.

First of all, I was recently informed that he also abused his daughter as well. I do not know the details of that exactly but he does have a long criminal record. I do hope that something can be done to guarantee he is no longer allowed to hurt anyone else.

The second reason is that if I don’t tell who it was, then perhaps someone would assume that it was someone else in my family that abused me and I would not want someone falsely accused.

But that all being said, I have come to realize that because of the abuse, I still have bad reactions to seeing the male body and especially penises. It is hard to know what I would have been like has this not happened to me. But when I connect the dots it starts to make sense that part of my gender dysphoria is related to it. The good news is that the longer I am on estrogen the less male I look to myself when I look in the mirror. This helps me to forget the abuse and function better in my daily life.

For as long as I can remember, I have suffered from constipation and being unable to poop properly. This is because the muscles in my anus cannot relax because I always fear being attacked there where I was sodomized. This is perhaps the only physical evidence I have of what happened. Aside from that I have only my memory of what happened.

My sister suffers the same because she was also abused by my brother as well. So between me, my sister, and my niece, there are 3 people who we abused by him.

For years I was silent about it because I figured that nobody would believe me and nothing would happen even if I told. But regardless of whether or not my brother goes to jail or has any legal consequences, I need to talk about this for my own benefit. I need let out my frustration of just how much it has messed up my mind.

It only makes sense that I would be upset by my own male body and being reminded of the abuse every time I had an erection. Luckily since removal of the testicles this has not been a problem.

I do want to make clear that I am still transgender and I don’t think that the abuse explains all of my gender dysphoria. But I do think that for me and other transgender people, wanting to transition into another body may be an attempt to escape the body that was abused and to try to forget what happened to them.

I think that those who experience gender dysphoria should definitely receive counseling about sexual abuse if they have experienced it. It’s impossible to know for a fact but my guess is that sometimes it could be related.

I definitely do think that transgender people should be able to access whatever hormones and surgery that they want and can afford, but I don’t want it to be assumed that 100% of the time that we are just “born this way” although sometimes that may be the case. Sometimes I think maybe we just want to be a different person than the one who was raped. This is of course my own guess based on my own experience.

But I do know that my own personal solutions of transitioning to female has greatly helped because when I look in the mirror I no longer see the boy who was abused nor the man who abused me, but instead I see a very weird looking person who does not look completely male or female. I look like that last person in the world who someone would try to do anything of a sexual nature to.

But should they try, I am strong enough to stop them now. I’m no longer two years old. I am a 35 year old transwoman with the shoulders and muscles of a man yet also beautiful in a way almost like a woman.

And my chosen name of Chastity White Rose is a way of reminding myself that my path of celibacy is a way to live partly because it is the only way left for someone like me who is repulsed by all sexual matters but also because the cycle of abuse stops with me. Some people are abused and then they go on to abuse others in the same way, but no, I choose the celibate vegan pro-life way. I do not wish to hurt anyone.

But also, I do not wish my brother to hurt anyone else, including his grandchildren. He is but one of many people who will continue to rape others if they are not stopped. That’s why I encourage rape victims to come forward with their stories of who abused them when the time is right. My time has come.

A Eunuch Goes to Church

Chastity had a special place in her dreams which she called animal sanctuary. It was a grassy field with many trees and herbivorous animals. It was there that Honesty the unicorn often ate grass with the other horses. Honesty was like a white horse except with a sharp silver horn on its head. Honesty was neither male or female. Or perhaps it could be said that Honesty was both. It represented truth, but beyond that Chastity could not understand Honesty all the time.

Still, Chastity talked to the unicorn at various times. The following is one of those times she had some news to tell Honesty.

C: Honesty, I have had some new experiences lately that I want to tell you about. I recently started attending Church of the Four Corners in Independence and I want your input on some things.

H: What made you decide to go back to church after ten years?

C: I thought about some things we talked about before. We talked about a variety of topics and quite a bit about the teachings of Jesus. I think that there are two main things that have shown where Christians have failed. Moreover, they made me feel like I failed too.

H: What do you mean about them making you feel like you failed?

C: Because I don’t use the words they use nor do I sound excited about God or Jesus. I have questions that no one has really answered and I am one who must understand things before I care much about something. I know what you told me before and that you came in the form of Jesus long ago but were misunderstood. Yet knowing this does not help much because I still have a battle ahead of me because as long as I live, this world is filled with people who call themselves followers of Jesus and yet most of them do not follow the golden rule nor do they read their bibles and yet they claim to believe it all. Obviously they are lying but I am honest and so I will never claim to be something I am not.

H: And what are you, exactly?

C: I am just an honest soul. I am just a regular person who works my job and struggles to pay bills and help River and my mother. I don’t care about fancy labels anymore and I suspect it’s only a matter of time before somebody figures out that I am not any sort of Christian, yet I go to church because I do believe that some of these people in the churches do have at least some of the truth.

H: Some of the truth? What the horse are you talking about?

C: I’m talking about the fact that there are good things in the bible and some of the sayings of Jesus, but I do not think that there is any reason to get excited about the death or resurrection of Jesus. It does no good for anyone to believe in Jesus nor does it matter if he died if Christians are just going to be idiots claiming to be followers of Jesus and yet kicking people out of their lives for being different. They ought to be spending time with “sinners” just as Jesus did and do the things he said rather than hating people for being gay, transgender, having a mental illness, or an alcohol addiction.

H: I see what’s happening. You’re thinking about River aren’t you?

C: Yes, I understand River quite well. Almost everyone in his life blames him for his alcohol addiction and they also don’t know the depth of his problems aside from that. But the thing that bothers me most are comments from people who just say that River needs Jesus or needs to know the lord. I don’t know exactly what they mean by that but I know that people have unrealistic expectations and think that if they pray a prayer or believe some certain thing then all their problems go away.

H: You mean like those people who tell stories about how they got over their addictions or left behind their life of crime after they got saved?

C: Yes, that’s what I am talking about. People talk as if they just have some experience and their life is forever changed. Maybe it is changed for a week or so but then the problems of life come back. If there is one thing that I am sure, it is that life is never so simple. It’s complicated.

H: I couldn’t agree more. You know that problems need to be solved in different ways and not every solution is spiritual. People need physical and mental help too.

C: To make matters more complicated, all these things are blended together and I don’t know which is which. I want to make a difference in the world and I do think that getting involved in what my local church is doing is a good step, but how exactly will that work when someone hates me because I am transgender? Will I make friends and find new missions only to lose them because they think I’m evil for being transgender and they will assume I’m living in some kind of sexual perversion because of the ridiculous actions of the majority of LGBT people?

H: I have two things to say you you Chastity. First, you still care way too much what people think of you. Second, some people WILL hate you and abuse you no matter how good you are or what sex you had been born as. The problem is with them and if you let this fear scare you off from your mission in life, then there sure isn’t much hope for the rest of humanity either.

C: What do you mean?

H: I mean that you’re one of the bravest people I have ever met. The way you just plainly speak the truth is sure to win you many friends and enemies. There are more people like River who will accept you as you are just as there are those who will not. We will deal with them when the time comes, but for now I think you are on the right track.

C: You mean you think me going to church is a good idea?

H: Yes, but not for the reasons that others have been telling you that you should. Maybe you will never be thought of as a Christian but you do live more like Jesus than most of the people I know who claim to be Christians. Maybe they can learn something from you. Therefore I say going to church is a good idea. But beyond that, I think that you have succeeded in showing the love of the pure in heart. You live to show the love of the White Rose. River knows this as well as I do. You will succeed in areas that others have failed.

C: I’m glad to hear you say that, Honesty. I was curious what you would think about this. I do have many questions I would like to ask you, and yet I am not sure I am ready for the answers.

H: If you’re committed to the truth, then you are ready for anything, even if you don’t like what you find. But since you’re here, maybe you could ask me questions that have been on your mind.

C: If you really were known as Jesus in the past, maybe you could explain some things. I still don’t know which parts of the story were true or made up for some reason by people who decided what would be the the bible. Yet I know that the bible is the source of what many believe even if I think only some of it is actually true.

H: Sure, what would you like to know first?

C: Why did you often tell people not to tell others after you healed them or did miracles?

H: Because the goal was not to impress people with miracles. The goal was to be as ordinary and live an example that others could follow. I came to teach people how to love each other. Power such as mine would only be misused and misunderstood. If they were to listen to what I said only because I could do seemingly magical things, then they might as well believe anyone else who could do something beyond their understanding, even if that person was dishonest. Signs and wonders have their place but can often make matters worse if done at the wrong time. That’s why I kept miracles hidden as much as I could even though I knew the word would get out eventually.

C: And what about the resurrection? What was the meaning of that and how should respond to it?

H: Each will respond to it in their own way. If you’re looking for the one correct response, then you’ve already fallen into one of the traps of modern Christianity. But I will tell you my favorite response.

C: Which response was that?

H: My favorite response was that of Thomas. When the other disciples told him that they had seen me, he said he would not believe it unless he saw me and felt my woulds. You have read this before in John 20:24-29

24 Now Thomas (also known as Didymus[a]), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” 26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”

29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

C: Yes I do remember this story, but what was unique about Thomas that you liked about his response to your resurrection?

H: I like Thomas because he did not believe things simply because others told him. He was known as Doubting Thomas for this and yet his response is actually the correct response when something happens that is “unbelievable”.

C: If this is the correct response, then what is the meaning of verse 29? Why are those who have not seen and yet believe blessed?

H: Because they have Faith Privilege. They have an easier time accepting things simply because they are told them. This is a double edged sword. On the one hand they have less to think about because the don’t have to painfully put the pieces together and reason everything out the way an autistic person like you does. In that way they are blessed because they have life easy. But at the same time they are like sheep without a shepherd. If they don’t have a strong leader to give them the right information, or even worse, a corrupt leader, they will never find their way because they have become too dependent on just believing what they are told and doing what they are told to do.

C: So are you saying that I am like Thomas because I don’t believe things easily unless I can experience them myself?

H: Exactly, Chastity, you don’t have the privilege of just following along with a group of people. You never fit into what Christianity has become in America today, and neither should you! If you were the kind of person who blended into society you would never have met me!

C: Why is that?

H: Because those who think they already have the truth will never look for it! You were searching for answers to many things and yet the humans are not able to give it to you because you were built different. So for people like you and Thomas I do miracles that even you cannot call a coincidence!

C: Can you give an example of this?

H: Yes, first of all I could have healed my wounds so that there would not have been any evidence for Thomas! He would never have believed then, and rightly so! And for you I came in the form of a unicorn because only you know what a unicorn is. So yes, blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe, but verily I say unto you, Chastity White Rose, even more blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall SEE God!

What is a Woman?

Credit goes to Matt Walsh and also my former cohost of Celibate Vegan Voices for bringing to my mind the question of what a woman is. Everyone has their definition in their head whether or not they ever have put it into words. Here is mine:

A woman is one flowing with compassion and creative energy and one that is able to be truly honest about their feelings. They are a friend to children and animals.

This can apply to anyone no matter their body parts. That is the point. This is not the same as the biological definition of a woman which is someone who can get pregnant because they have a female reproductive system.

Because when I think of a woman, I am not thinking about her reproductive system. I am thinking about the fact that traditionally, women are able to cry and talk about their feelings but men have to “be a man”, “stop crying”, “don’t be a sissy”.

And when I am honest about it. I am too sensitive and too honest to “be a man”. I wasn’t meant to be that way. I am a sissy. Society created these definitions, not me.

So when I say I am a woman, I say it quite honestly because being completely real is what I always admired about women and not having to hide behind the mask of fragile masculinity.

Surgery and hormones do not make a woman, but neither does being born female either. It’s all about the attitude that on average women have which is a better example of being a decent human being.

And the fact that I look like some weird hybrid of a male and female physically and don’t pass as either sex anymore is part of the point. Get to know who I am and quit thinking about what reproductive system I have. But for the record, I had it surgically removed!