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The following is my first attempt at explaining my new identity as a transwoman. I sent it to some friends and got mixed reactions but I think it explains a lot about me and I feel better after writing it. If I post it here then I hopefully won’t lose it and can refer back to it.

“I have been going through a lot in my life that people don’t really know. I’ve had a phase that’s lasted over ten years and I’ve given up trying to hide my feelings and just tell what’s important to know to my close friends.

I want to keep this short and sweet so here it is. I’ve figured out that the best possible explanation for my bizarre feeling in relation to my gender dysphoria and confusion about my sexual orientation is that I really am a transwoman. I do not experience the same thoughts that other men do and I have always identified more closely with females.

I know that there will be some confusion about this especially for those who are less educated on LGBT issues or haven’t experienced it themselves. But quite frankly the shortest way to say it is that while I’m aware that I’m biologically male in appearance. My inner life of my thoughts, or perhaps you might call it my life force, soul, or spirit is that which identifies with the things which are more feminine and which are the content of the dreams of little girls full of unicorns, ponies, rainbows, and friendship.

I truly have no interest in the same things that other men do and I’m not interested in sexual relationships with women. I don’t think I’m gay and I still currently identify as asexual, meaning only that I care as little for sexual things as I do for animal products as a vegan.

And I already know what some people are thinking. That my bad experiences in my life have just confused me and I need to snap out of it. If only it were so simple.

I’m just not going to be a cisgender heterosexual male that most people, including the strange women who are attracted to me, would like me to be.

The most important thing about me is not that I want to identify as a woman or what sexual orientation I happen to feel like at the time. The important thing is that I’m a smart compassionate person who cares so much for the animals that I’ve vowed Chastity for the animals and made an oath not to humans but to the animals that I will dedicate my life to non violence and part of this is remaining a Virgin for life to make sure I never force another being into existence who will suffer and could also become another carnist who will hurt the animals that I love.

I know it may sound crazy but it makes sense to me and I believe this will help to explain what I feel is my new name: Chastity White Rose.

For my desire is to be morally pure and love without asking for a reward as is the nature of sexual love. And that’s why the white rose symbolizes my purity.

I may be crazy or mentally unstable but I feel pretty good about this and I hope this can be understood but if not, at least I tried.”

I am Chastity White Rose, lover of all unicorns and ponies and artist of pixels and polygons.
Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I put on my checkerboard dress and said:

“By the power of grayscale! I have the power!”

And I became She Man, the most powerful transwoman in the universe!

And I came to understand who I am. I am a programmer who can draw pixels to bitmaps of both black and white. And a Vegan, who protects the innocent! But within me lies a mortal heart, which suffers from depression. Will I have the strength to resist? Or will it be my doom.

It’s been a long time since I started this blog and named myself Chastity White Rose. At this point only my best friends or anyone who pays close attention to the video game screenshots would notice the new name and even then they would probably not know what it means.

I have a real problem of not being left alone by my mother. Whether I am trying to read a book or following a tutorial about the C# programming language, none of it matters to her nor is she aware of what I am trying to do or what is important to me. She yells at me about something either she’s angry that I didn’t do or complaining to me about what her students and their families do. My happiest times are when she is asleep, busy teaching students, or I am somewhere else out of the house relaxing. These times are very rare and I just know that my mom is holding me back from my full potential of who I could be if only I had the time to learn the things I want and be who I want to be without worrying that she will be angry at me for something and yell.

I work 5 days a week and buy all the groceries. I massage her muscles when she asks and bring her things she needs. I don’t understand why on my two days off a week from work I can’t work on my art, computer programming, or play my video games. I just want to be left alone and right now it’s all I care about.

I have been frustrated for years about my mom misunderstanding why I am an atheist. I am not “rejecting god” but I have come to the conclusion that the best possible explanation for why nobody can agree on who or what god is or why god does not intervene in the world to correct the religious people is because god does not exist.

In all seriousness, how is it that Christians can have disagreements about abortion or gay marriage. They are even divided on the issue of veganism. I would expect that if the Christian god exists that he could show up and make clear what he really thinks.

What IS the Christian attitude towards the unborn, homosexuals, or the non-human animals? If you ask different Christians they all have different answers. This is because they are NOT receiving their information from a common source. They each have their own little god that they create in their own image which has the same opinion as them.

And as I think back to my memories of the days when I used to pray at the creek and ask god these questions I had on my mind, I was frustrated that I never got an answer. I used to ask god to erase me from existence because I didn’t want to go to heaven or hell. I wanted to just end my suffering.

And you know, I would have REALLY appreciated it if god could have spoken to me and explained veganism. I would really have liked to know the truth about what was going on so that I could have changed my life and gone vegan at a younger age rather than waiting till I was 26 and finding out from strangers on the internet about what was being done to these animals and that the best way to help them was to stop eating or and using animal products in general.

But no, this god never explained veganism to me or my mother and left us in ignorance. Such a god that is silent, even if it exists, cannot be a god of love or care about the animal suffering or human health.

Nearly any human can communicate in person, phone, email, and even record videos. If god exists and has anything he cares about, all he needs to do is start a YouTube channel, a blog, and maybe give some public speeches explaining to us what “true Christianity” is. But no, instead I have to hear about this “loving god” from my mother because she exists and her god that she speaks about is silent and most likely just her imagination.