I have a friend who is having a really hard time understanding my transgender ways. I have tried to explain it to him but he thinks it’s an emotional reaction and that I’m just trying to escape from my pain. However I feel that if calling myself female and changing my body is what it takes to reduce my pain then it is my right to do so. However I’m still disappointed that this friend, who I will call Pan, does not understand and thinks his advice is helpful.
In my head this is what I’m thinking:
“If I had been born a female instead then I would not have to come out as transgender and these parts I hate and want to remove would never be there in the first place. And Pan would be able to know me as a woman right from the start and we could instead focus on other topics. I am hurt by the abuse and it will affect me for life but my experience is harder than that of a woman who is raped by a man because I have to live with something attached to my body every day that reminds me of that abuse. No cis man understands because they are ok with being a man and can’t understand why I would choose to be a woman. No cis woman understands because they think a man should appreciate his gender and status in society because women have it so much worse. The other trans people are the only people who can really understand how I feel because they experience it the same way even though not all of them were sexually abused. And I know that I don’t stand much of a chance of having an intimate relationship with women as Pan describes because I cannot participate in sexual things and am not even attracted to them in a sexual way anyhow. I might be attracted to men but that scares me because men are likely to hurt me unless maybe they are a transman who doesn’t have a real penis and can’t rape me. I don’t really feel like I have anyone I can talk to about my deepest feelings on all these sexual and emotional topics because nobody will really understand. I don’t know what to do except try to survive and work on getting my own place and maybe I’ll figure this all out somehow but by the time I heal from all this I’ll be old and die anyway so what’s the point of anything?”
Just for clarification. The reason I feel like my experience is more difficult than that of a cis woman that is raped by a man was because I was raped by a man, and because I do have a male body and a penis attached to me every single day, I am forced to be reminded of the abuse every day.
The only way a cis woman could understand that is if she was first raped by a man and then had a penis attached to her as a permanent reminder of the weapon that hurt her.
So you see my issue is that I fear penises and by extension anyone who is physically capable of using them to rape me.
I meant nothing offensive to transgender men. My only point is that since they are unlikely to have the same type of penis that biological males are born with, my belief is that it cannot be used for raping me or anyone else since it could not become erect.
And these fears about male genitalia are the reason that despite what anyone tells me, I am going to find a way to get surgery have them removed. It’s the only way to not have to be reminded of the fact that I was raped by a penis.