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The topic of suicide has recently been on my mind due to the death of a coworker by suicide.

Miguel Raymond Gonzales
https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/kansas-city-mo/miguel-gonzales-9260507

I didn’t know him very well but I did see him at work every day. Last thing I remember was when we were talking about being unable to breath because of the mask requirement and he said something about it being harder for him because he had Scoliosis. He could also have been in physical pain and maybe this could have been part of what drove him to end his life. I don’t know for a fact, I can only guess because I was not there with him.

But suicide is one of the hardest of all topics to talk about, so most simply don’t ever bring it up. This is because when someone commits suicide, friends and family often wonder what the cause was, wonder if there is anything they could have done to prevent it, and then they blame themselves sometimes, and in many cases, others kill themselves due to the depression of the death of a loved one.

Others react in a much worse way. They criticize the person who died and call them selfish or a coward. Some religious people say they went to hell because they committed the unforgivable sin of suicide. All this does is make the family/friends of the deceased person more depressed and angry. There are also religious and philosophical problems with the idea of suicide somehow being worse than homicide. It makes no logical sense, but it’s also not kind to tell people that the person they love and miss is being punished (by a “loving god”) by burning in hell because they killed themselves. Even if it was true, that is not the thing people need to hear.

We all have questions when someone we know kills themselves, but one thing that I know for a fact is that when someone is physically suffering greatly, sometimes death is the only way out. Sometimes in fact when someone is already suffering from a painful disease that is going to kill them in a short time, it seems like it is better to get it over with than to endure the pain.

But there is a second reason for suicide that many people over look. Sometimes a person feels like the world would be better off without them. They don’t want to be a burden on their friends and family who care about them and have the idea that if they die then everyone will get along with their life just fine. In most cases this is not true, but in the mind of a suicidal person this makes sense at the time. I know this because I felt this way from the ages 16 through 25. I was unable to work a job because nobody would hire me and I thought my mom would be financially better off if I died and she didn’t need to feed me.

I know all too well what it’s like to feel like life will never get better and that you are doing everyone a favor by dying. But what I don’t know is how to talk someone out of suicide.

For example, I have a certain anonymous friend who recently said this in an email:

“Now I have friends telling me not to become an alcoholic, but honestly I’m not seeing why I shouldn’t now.
This world sucks and death would be a mercy compared to more years of hell.”

“I don’t know if I want to remain here. Because as I said before our world sucks. It’s already extremely rotten that people keep finding flawed and extremely selfish excuses for why they won’t become vegan, i.e “I like the taste of meat”.”

The thing that bothers me most about suicide is that when someone talks about wanting to die or has plans to end their life, I am unable to give one single reason why they should not kill themselves. That’s because yes, this would is rotten, and we are all going to die eventually anyway.

I do believe that everyone should have the right to Life as long as they want, and Death when they no longer want to remain here. And nobody has the right to kill someone without their consent nor to force them to live and continue suffering.

But the thing that keeps me going personally is unfinished business. The idea that if I die, there is something I will no longer be able to go back and do. I want to believe that there is a reason I am here(besides my parents having sex). I don’t see evidence of it right now but I hope I am ready when the time comes.

If you are thinking about suicide, I ask you to consider what the world may be missing if you are no longer in it.

It is common knowledge that many Christians are superstitious about the number 666. This number is called the mark of the beast in the book of Revelation chapter 13. Some people think it is a sign of the devil or something evil whenever they see this number. However, this belief only applies specifically to Christians who believe in the significance of the bible in the first place. Nobody of any other belief has reason to care about this number.

Some people believe other numbers are unlucky such as the number 13. There are infinite numbers and tons of people who have beliefs about them.

As someone who likes mathematics and numbers, I have no tolerance for anyone who makes a big deal out of a specific number as having meanings which have nothing to do with numbers representing quantities of objects which can be added, subtracted, multiplied, or divided.

Here are a few links about the number 666 for anyone who wants to be entertained or annoyed by what people believe about this number.

http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread989885/pg1
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/666_%28number%29
http://www.uscatholic.org/articles/201309/what-666-bible-27901
 
There are real problems in the world to be concerned about. Those who fall apart because they buy something at a store and their total is $6.66 or their credit card bill for the month is $666.66 are just stressing themselves and others out for no good reason.

The Testicle Testimony

For over two years I have had pain in my testicles and have been to different doctors and explained my situation over and over. Each time I have been unable to get the help I need.

To save myself time I have written the following story of what has happened and why I must get the surgery I need.

The pain began following a bike incident in which my testicles were crushed by the weight of my body on the seat of my bike.

I know from ultrasounds as well as from what I have felt with my hands that I have a varicocele and restricted blood flow in the cords attached to my testicles especially on the left side.

Because the nature of my condition is rare and also because of who I am and the life I want to live, the solution is very simple. I want my testicles removed.

However both medical “professionals” as well as ordinary people who know what I have been going through have repeatedly misunderstood my request and say the same old things to me trying to talk me out of my decision.

Some say that I should have surgery to remove the varicocele and remove the pain without removing the testicles. However this would most likely cost the same as an orchiectomy/castration and I want to only have surgery once. There is definitely a possibility of testicular cancer and having to have them removed anyway. And because of the lack of blood flow that I am experiencing currently, I have the risk of having a blood clot which could also be life threatening.

All this considered, removal of the testicles as well as removal of the cords attached to them would result in zero risk of cancer in the testicles and prevent blood from traveling entirely to that area so that it cannot become trapped, swollen, and heavy or clot to cause more serious blood flow to the rest of my body.

I am also aware that a lack of testicles means the impossibility of producing sperm and not being able to create children. People remind me of this because they mistakenly believe that I would even care about that or that I would have a chance at that anyway since I am not sexually attracted to people and my ethics forbid me from reproducing entirely.

I also know that without testicles it means a major drop in testosterone levels and permanent hormonal changes. However I am not concerned about this because I can see a doctor regularly about my hormones just to make sure I keep them in the healthy range I need.

It is also an advantage to have less testosterone because it means I will stop having erections that interfere with my job and dancing.

Aside from these changes that I desire, there are psychological benefits to having this operation. Because of the fact that I was sexually abused as a child, I become very angry and upset whenever I have pain in the testicles or the erection of the penis which is also quite painful because it reminds me of the penis that was forced into my butt at the age of two and the long term physical and emotional damage I have had to deal with as a result of that.

There is also the fact that I am transgender. Although I was born with a male body, I very much see my personality as more female than male and prefer being called by the name Chastity White Rose rather than my birth name Chandler Isaac Klebs. I also prefer to be called by female pronouns such as she/her. However this is a separate situation which is not necessarily tied to my other reasons for wanting to be castrated except for the fact that I have no desire to keep unwanted male parts that don’t match the identity I feel inside.

I met with a Urologist named Andrew Wright who told me he could perform the surgery if I had a psychological evaluation by a psychologist and a letter stating that I am of sound mind to consent to this operation and the permanent changes it would mean.

And I did have an evaluation by a psychologist I have previously met with and trust and he wrote a very detailed letter to Dr Wright explaining why I should have the surgery.

However Dr Wright went back on his word and told me that he did not think he had a valid medical reason to remove my testicles. He apparently did not think the fact that I was in pain and spent much time and money seeing doctors was enough of a reason. He stated that he could do it for transgender related reasons but only if I first take female hormones for six months and wait till March 2021 which was a year after receiving the letter from the psychologist in March 2020.

As you might expect, I did not take this news well. First, my pain was being ignored by a doctor who had the power to help me but refused and instead was basically asking me to prove that I am transgender enough to want my testicles removed by first taking female hormones. I felt lied to and cheated out of my time and money. I would not have had appointments with him if I knew he would go back on his word and create additional hoops I must jump through to please him before he helped me. He could have at least been kind enough to tell me over the phone that he was not going to do the surgery, but I see that he wanted to charge me for another visit to his office. I am quite angry about this greedy unhelpful behavior.

And although I should not have to explain this, I suspect that future medical people I see will ask me why I am not taking hormones. Therefore I will explain the various reasons.

1. Ethical

I first have to make sure that any hormones I take come from plant rather than animal sources. I do not want animals harmed in the process of anything I consume because I am an ethical Vegan and this takes top priority. There are hormones that are derived from plants as is mentioned in this link.

https://www.peta.org/about-peta/faq/my-doctor-wants-me-to-take-premarin-but-i-understand-its-made-from-horse-urine-is-this-true/

Hormones derived entirely from plant sources are completely ok but this is something that must be considered for anyone, transgender or not, who needs HRT without harming animals.

2. Health

I want to make sure that I do not cause myself unnecessary health problems by taking hormones that may have cancer risks and that also interacts badly with the testosterone I currently have while I still have the testicles. Therefore hormone replacement therapy is something I want to do carefully, with much research, and only after I will actually need it post surgery but not before surgery. Most importantly I need to maintain good bone density and muscular strength to work my job, but male levels of testosterone, which are sometimes ten times as high as the level females usually have is not required to maintain proper strength. I need only the same testosterone as a female and to keep up excercising, which is not a problem considering the physically active job I work and the fact that I walk and bike everywhere and carry my own groceries quite often. My strength is actually not male type of strength. I know this for a fact because of the fact that I have lower testosterone than many other men and also less muscle definition despite being able to lift objects much heavier than the average american male or female because most are not in good shape and also rely on their cars and do not walk or carry groceries as I have done for years.

3. Cost

Taking prescription hormones comes with a cost of more doctor visits as well as paying for the price of the hormones as well. I cannot make this financial commitment because I am saving my money to pay for my surgery, which I do not yet know the cost of because I do not have a doctor willing to do it nor give me an estimate and communicate with my insurance.

Therefore the cost of hormones, if I need them, is something I cannot decide until I know what I’ll have to pay for my surgery.

4. Time

It is very difficult to schedule medical appointments due to my busy work schedule and the fact that I do not have a car. Therefore I simply do not have the option of driving to appointments and still making it back to my workplace on time. This means that I have to use my vacation time and request time off and also arrange transportation by Uber, Lyft, or friends who can take me to my appointments. As such, I am extra angry at Andrew Wright for the time of mine he wasted. Spending money and time on hormone therapy just to please this doctor is not something I want to do.

I’d rather pay a doctor who actually cares about helping me. I do not want to spend money or time if I will not get the help I need and I am an adult who knows exactly what I want and am smart enough to work my job, pay my rent and bills, and also plan financially for the medical Care I need.

And I will continue to keep seeking medical help I need until someone does remove my testicles and I am allowed to get back to improving at my job, starting my dancing lessons again, and planning the rest of my life which has been on hold due to this ongoing testicle pain and fear of death due to the possibility of blood clots and/or cancer that results from my damaged testicles.

Until then, I will continue to update this text as long as I need to until someone helps me both to educate future doctors as well as mistaken people who have tried to talk me out of this surgery because apparently other people have an unhealthy interest in my testicles and want me to keep them either because they still think they can talk me into having sex and procreating.

And for those people I also have a book that I published specifically for them explaining all the reasons I am celibate and why I named myself Chastity White Rose.

I am more committed to my Vegan Virgin lifestyle than the average Christian, Jew, Muslim, or Hindu cares about the teachings of their religion. Trying to talk me out of the way I want to live is actually quite insulting.

You can read part 2 here:
https://chastitywhiterose.wordpress.com/2020/09/25/the-testicle-testimony-part-2/

The new and improved Hour of Polygons using Allegro to display the text of the current frame number, variables defining the polygon, the title, and my name in the bottom part of the screen underneath two different views of the image on the right and left sides.

After creating the video file, I used the Microsoft Photos app to add the music from a set they let you add to any video.

I also uploaded the original video without music along with the source code to here.

https://archive.org/details/1-hour-of-polygons

Here is a screenshot that shows the size of the video file, the source, the archive of frames, and also the window showing the size of the frames uncompressed. That is some seriously large disk space used compared to the source code used to create it!