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The Testicle Testimony

For over two years I have had pain in my testicles and have been to different doctors and explained my situation over and over. Each time I have been unable to get the help I need.

To save myself time I have written the following story of what has happened and why I must get the surgery I need.

The pain began following a bike incident in which my testicles were crushed by the weight of my body on the seat of my bike.

I know from ultrasounds as well as from what I have felt with my hands that I have a varicocele and restricted blood flow in the cords attached to my testicles especially on the left side.

Because the nature of my condition is rare and also because of who I am and the life I want to live, the solution is very simple. I want my testicles removed.

However both medical “professionals” as well as ordinary people who know what I have been going through have repeatedly misunderstood my request and say the same old things to me trying to talk me out of my decision.

Some say that I should have surgery to remove the varicocele and remove the pain without removing the testicles. However this would most likely cost the same as an orchiectomy/castration and I want to only have surgery once. There is definitely a possibility of testicular cancer and having to have them removed anyway. And because of the lack of blood flow that I am experiencing currently, I have the risk of having a blood clot which could also be life threatening.

All this considered, removal of the testicles as well as removal of the cords attached to them would result in zero risk of cancer in the testicles and prevent blood from traveling entirely to that area so that it cannot become trapped, swollen, and heavy or clot to cause more serious blood flow to the rest of my body.

I am also aware that a lack of testicles means the impossibility of producing sperm and not being able to create children. People remind me of this because they mistakenly believe that I would even care about that or that I would have a chance at that anyway since I am not sexually attracted to people and my ethics forbid me from reproducing entirely.

I also know that without testicles it means a major drop in testosterone levels and permanent hormonal changes. However I am not concerned about this because I can see a doctor regularly about my hormones just to make sure I keep them in the healthy range I need.

It is also an advantage to have less testosterone because it means I will stop having erections that interfere with my job and dancing.

Aside from these changes that I desire, there are psychological benefits to having this operation. Because of the fact that I was sexually abused as a child, I become very angry and upset whenever I have pain in the testicles or the erection of the penis which is also quite painful because it reminds me of the penis that was forced into my butt at the age of two and the long term physical and emotional damage I have had to deal with as a result of that.

There is also the fact that I am transgender. Although I was born with a male body, I very much see my personality as more female than male and prefer being called by the name Chastity White Rose rather than my birth name Chandler Isaac Klebs. I also prefer to be called by female pronouns such as she/her. However this is a separate situation which is not necessarily tied to my other reasons for wanting to be castrated except for the fact that I have no desire to keep unwanted male parts that don’t match the identity I feel inside.

I met with a Urologist named Andrew Wright who told me he could perform the surgery if I had a psychological evaluation by a psychologist and a letter stating that I am of sound mind to consent to this operation and the permanent changes it would mean.

And I did have an evaluation by a psychologist I have previously met with and trust and he wrote a very detailed letter to Dr Wright explaining why I should have the surgery.

However Dr Wright went back on his word and told me that he did not think he had a valid medical reason to remove my testicles. He apparently did not think the fact that I was in pain and spent much time and money seeing doctors was enough of a reason. He stated that he could do it for transgender related reasons but only if I first take female hormones for six months and wait till March 2021 which was a year after receiving the letter from the psychologist in March 2020.

As you might expect, I did not take this news well. First, my pain was being ignored by a doctor who had the power to help me but refused and instead was basically asking me to prove that I am transgender enough to want my testicles removed by first taking female hormones. I felt lied to and cheated out of my time and money. I would not have had appointments with him if I knew he would go back on his word and create additional hoops I must jump through to please him before he helped me. He could have at least been kind enough to tell me over the phone that he was not going to do the surgery, but I see that he wanted to charge me for another visit to his office. I am quite angry about this greedy unhelpful behavior.

And although I should not have to explain this, I suspect that future medical people I see will ask me why I am not taking hormones. Therefore I will explain the various reasons.

1. Ethical

I first have to make sure that any hormones I take come from plant rather than animal sources. I do not want animals harmed in the process of anything I consume because I am an ethical Vegan and this takes top priority. There are hormones that are derived from plants as is mentioned in this link.

https://www.peta.org/about-peta/faq/my-doctor-wants-me-to-take-premarin-but-i-understand-its-made-from-horse-urine-is-this-true/

Hormones derived entirely from plant sources are completely ok but this is something that must be considered for anyone, transgender or not, who needs HRT without harming animals.

2. Health

I want to make sure that I do not cause myself unnecessary health problems by taking hormones that may have cancer risks and that also interacts badly with the testosterone I currently have while I still have the testicles. Therefore hormone replacement therapy is something I want to do carefully, with much research, and only after I will actually need it post surgery but not before surgery. Most importantly I need to maintain good bone density and muscular strength to work my job, but male levels of testosterone, which are sometimes ten times as high as the level females usually have is not required to maintain proper strength. I need only the same testosterone as a female and to keep up excercising, which is not a problem considering the physically active job I work and the fact that I walk and bike everywhere and carry my own groceries quite often. My strength is actually not male type of strength. I know this for a fact because of the fact that I have lower testosterone than many other men and also less muscle definition despite being able to lift objects much heavier than the average american male or female because most are not in good shape and also rely on their cars and do not walk or carry groceries as I have done for years.

3. Cost

Taking prescription hormones comes with a cost of more doctor visits as well as paying for the price of the hormones as well. I cannot make this financial commitment because I am saving my money to pay for my surgery, which I do not yet know the cost of because I do not have a doctor willing to do it nor give me an estimate and communicate with my insurance.

Therefore the cost of hormones, if I need them, is something I cannot decide until I know what I’ll have to pay for my surgery.

4. Time

It is very difficult to schedule medical appointments due to my busy work schedule and the fact that I do not have a car. Therefore I simply do not have the option of driving to appointments and still making it back to my workplace on time. This means that I have to use my vacation time and request time off and also arrange transportation by Uber, Lyft, or friends who can take me to my appointments. As such, I am extra angry at Andrew Wright for the time of mine he wasted. Spending money and time on hormone therapy just to please this doctor is not something I want to do.

I’d rather pay a doctor who actually cares about helping me. I do not want to spend money or time if I will not get the help I need and I am an adult who knows exactly what I want and am smart enough to work my job, pay my rent and bills, and also plan financially for the medical Care I need.

And I will continue to keep seeking medical help I need until someone does remove my testicles and I am allowed to get back to improving at my job, starting my dancing lessons again, and planning the rest of my life which has been on hold due to this ongoing testicle pain and fear of death due to the possibility of blood clots and/or cancer that results from my damaged testicles.

Until then, I will continue to update this text as long as I need to until someone helps me both to educate future doctors as well as mistaken people who have tried to talk me out of this surgery because apparently other people have an unhealthy interest in my testicles and want me to keep them either because they still think they can talk me into having sex and procreating.

And for those people I also have a book that I published specifically for them explaining all the reasons I am celibate and why I named myself Chastity White Rose.

I am more committed to my Vegan Virgin lifestyle than the average Christian, Jew, Muslim, or Hindu cares about the teachings of their religion. Trying to talk me out of the way I want to live is actually quite insulting.

You can read part 2 here:
https://chastitywhiterose.wordpress.com/2020/09/25/the-testicle-testimony-part-2/

The new and improved Hour of Polygons using Allegro to display the text of the current frame number, variables defining the polygon, the title, and my name in the bottom part of the screen underneath two different views of the image on the right and left sides.

After creating the video file, I used the Microsoft Photos app to add the music from a set they let you add to any video.

I also uploaded the original video without music along with the source code to here.

https://archive.org/details/1-hour-of-polygons

Here is a screenshot that shows the size of the video file, the source, the archive of frames, and also the window showing the size of the frames uncompressed. That is some seriously large disk space used compared to the source code used to create it!

This is a new and improved video which has only one polygon at a time instead of the target of multples. This makes it take less time to produce the frames. The framerate has been lowered to 24 and so now the total frames are 24*60*60 == 86400. This means both less work for my program as well as smaller file size while still similar quality. Also, I fixed a bug in my code that previous made it skip certain star polygons. The error involved integer division.

The problem was that the step variable was set to be reset to 1 whenever it was greater than or equal to the number of points divided by 2. The problem is that in the case of a regular pentagram, the points are 5 and the step is 2. But since 5/2 equals 2 because of integer division(instead of 2.5), my program failed to account for this situation. The source code(I have many branches of source code which use different libraries or programming languages) can be found at my sourceforge project here.

https://sourceforge.net/projects/binary-bit-map/

This is a video I made with my programming. There were 108000 frames in total. The framerate is 30 per second and the total number of frames was designed to be 30*60*60 or 108000 to be exactly an hour long. The result was that it took the program a long time to generate the frames but then they were encoded to a video with this command.

ffmpeg -r 30 -f image2 -i o/%08d.bmp -vcodec libx264 -preset veryslow -crf 23 -pix_fmt yuv420p o/v.mp4

This one does target polygons including stars. In the future I will do a similar one with only a single polygon XORed with the checkerboard.
What impressed me about this one is that the resulting video file was only 200MB. This is because monochrome images compress so well!

There are infinite ways to create a checkerboard and I do so both with my programming as well as in games like Minecraft.

Here is my gigantic 32x32x32 checkerboard in Minecraft made with heavy use of commands. It would be possible to build it in survival mode as well although it will take me much longer.

I also continue my Binary Bit Map project as I find time. Here a few samples I’ve posted previously on this blog of what I can do.

Tonight I found a genius way to do star polygons by drawing several smaller triangles to a temporary image, using the scan fill function, and then bitwise ORing them to the destination image. This gives me the filled in pentagrams and hexagrams exactly the same as they would look when I create them in inkscape but also allows for the gif animations I uploaded to my social media tonight. Here is what happens when I draw a single pentagram and then XOR it with a checkerboard background.

And I also have a video I uploaded to YouTube as well showing the same process for ordinary regular polygons.

The infinite beauty of black and white comes not just from how it looks but also how easy it is to make and the efficient compression of images and video when there are only two possible colors. My year’s worth of work on my Binary Bitmap project has enabled me to no longer rely on external C libraries written by other people but instead  draw anything I like as long as I take the time to code the exact coordinates of the polygons.