This is not something I have talked about much but recently I have become aware of just how permanent the psychological effects are from when I was sexually abused as a child.
I also have decided to officially break my silence on who it was that sodomized me at the age of two. It was my older brother who was adopted into our family. There are two reasons I finally knew that I needed to tell about this.
First of all, I was recently informed that he also abused his daughter as well. I do not know the details of that exactly but he does have a long criminal record. I do hope that something can be done to guarantee he is no longer allowed to hurt anyone else.
The second reason is that if I don’t tell who it was, then perhaps someone would assume that it was someone else in my family that abused me and I would not want someone falsely accused.
But that all being said, I have come to realize that because of the abuse, I still have bad reactions to seeing the male body and especially penises. It is hard to know what I would have been like has this not happened to me. But when I connect the dots it starts to make sense that part of my gender dysphoria is related to it. The good news is that the longer I am on estrogen the less male I look to myself when I look in the mirror. This helps me to forget the abuse and function better in my daily life.
For as long as I can remember, I have suffered from constipation and being unable to poop properly. This is because the muscles in my anus cannot relax because I always fear being attacked there where I was sodomized. This is perhaps the only physical evidence I have of what happened. Aside from that I have only my memory of what happened.
My sister suffers the same because she was also abused by my brother as well. So between me, my sister, and my niece, there are 3 people who we abused by him.
For years I was silent about it because I figured that nobody would believe me and nothing would happen even if I told. But regardless of whether or not my brother goes to jail or has any legal consequences, I need to talk about this for my own benefit. I need let out my frustration of just how much it has messed up my mind.
It only makes sense that I would be upset by my own male body and being reminded of the abuse every time I had an erection. Luckily since removal of the testicles this has not been a problem.
I do want to make clear that I am still transgender and I don’t think that the abuse explains all of my gender dysphoria. But I do think that for me and other transgender people, wanting to transition into another body may be an attempt to escape the body that was abused and to try to forget what happened to them.
I think that those who experience gender dysphoria should definitely receive counseling about sexual abuse if they have experienced it. It’s impossible to know for a fact but my guess is that sometimes it could be related.
I definitely do think that transgender people should be able to access whatever hormones and surgery that they want and can afford, but I don’t want it to be assumed that 100% of the time that we are just “born this way” although sometimes that may be the case. Sometimes I think maybe we just want to be a different person than the one who was raped. This is of course my own guess based on my own experience.
But I do know that my own personal solutions of transitioning to female has greatly helped because when I look in the mirror I no longer see the boy who was abused nor the man who abused me, but instead I see a very weird looking person who does not look completely male or female. I look like that last person in the world who someone would try to do anything of a sexual nature to.
But should they try, I am strong enough to stop them now. I’m no longer two years old. I am a 35 year old transwoman with the shoulders and muscles of a man yet also beautiful in a way almost like a woman.
And my chosen name of Chastity White Rose is a way of reminding myself that my path of celibacy is a way to live partly because it is the only way left for someone like me who is repulsed by all sexual matters but also because the cycle of abuse stops with me. Some people are abused and then they go on to abuse others in the same way, but no, I choose the celibate vegan pro-life way. I do not wish to hurt anyone.
But also, I do not wish my brother to hurt anyone else, including his grandchildren. He is but one of many people who will continue to rape others if they are not stopped. That’s why I encourage rape victims to come forward with their stories of who abused them when the time is right. My time has come.
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Reblogged this on Relevant Philosophy of Chandler.