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I am Chastity White Rose, lover of all unicorns and ponies and artist of pixels and polygons.

Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I put on my checkerboard dress and said:

“By the power of grayscale!

I have the power!”

And I became She Man, the most powerful transwoman in the universe!

And I came to understand who I am.

I am a programmer who can draw pixels to bitmaps of both black and white.

And a Vegan, who protects the innocent!

But within me lies a mortal heart, which suffers from depression.

Will I have the strength to resist? Or will it be my doom.

I have a friend who is having a really hard time understanding my transgender ways. I have tried to explain it to him but he thinks it’s an emotional reaction and that I’m just trying to escape from my pain. However I feel that if calling myself female and changing my body is what it takes to reduce my pain then it is my right to do so. However I’m still disappointed that this friend, who I will call Pan, does not understand and thinks his advice is helpful.

In my head this is what I’m thinking:

“If I had been born a female instead then I would not have to come out as transgender and these parts I hate and want to remove would never be there in the first place. And Pan would be able to know me as a woman right from the start and we could instead focus on other topics. I am hurt by the abuse and it will affect me for life but my experience is harder than that of a woman who is raped by a man because I have to live with something attached to my body every day that reminds me of that abuse. No cis man understands because they are ok with being a man and can’t understand why I would choose to be a woman. No cis woman understands because they think a man should appreciate his gender and status in society because women have it so much worse. The other trans people are the only people who can really understand how I feel because they experience it the same way even though not all of them were sexually abused. And I know that I don’t stand much of a chance of having an intimate relationship with women as Pan describes because I cannot participate in sexual things and am not even attracted to them in a sexual way anyhow. I might be attracted to men but that scares me because men are likely to hurt me unless maybe they are a transman who doesn’t have a real penis and can’t rape me. I don’t really feel like I have anyone I can talk to about my deepest feelings on all these sexual and emotional topics because nobody will really understand. I don’t know what to do except try to survive and work on getting my own place and maybe I’ll figure this all out somehow but by the time I heal from all this I’ll be old and die anyway so what’s the point of anything?”

Just for clarification. The reason I feel like my experience is more difficult than that of a cis woman that is raped by a man was because I was raped by a man, and because I do have a male body and a penis attached to me every single day, I am forced to be reminded of the abuse every day.

The only way a cis woman could understand that is if she was first raped by a man and then had a penis attached to her as a permanent reminder of the weapon that hurt her.

So you see my issue is that I fear penises and by extension anyone who is physically capable of using them to rape me.

I meant nothing offensive to transgender men. My only point is that since they are unlikely to have the same type of penis that biological males are born with, my belief is that it cannot be used for raping me or anyone else since it could not become erect.

And these fears about male genitalia are the reason that despite what anyone tells me, I am going to find a way to get surgery have them removed. It’s the only way to not have to be reminded of the fact that I was raped by a penis.

If sex was a good thing why do we refer to it as dirty, private, mature, and try to prevent children from seeing porn and why does society get uncomfortable about adults having sexual with children?

For example an adult can play chess or video games with a child but not have sex with them.

I’m being serious. What people don’t want to admit but secretly know is that sexuality is harmful. Otherwise it would be G rated.

I didn’t name myself Chastity only because I’m a virgin and lack the desire for sex but because it’s an ethical stance like veganism/ahimsa.

People rate movies G for general audiences and video games are rated E for everyone. People approve of only innocent things for children to see. I think this reveals an inconvenient truth for many people.

That sex is evil. And to clarify I use evil as a synonym for that which causes harm. STDs, pregnancy, and the emotional trauma that results from the relationships that involve sexual acts cause real harm to children and so adults try to shield them from it to protect them.

And yet the adults also engage in sexual acts which cause them the same harms.

A friend of mine is quite embarrassed about the fact that I share too much information about my medical problems online. This is quite true. I’ll admit I have shared a lot of things that people don’t want to hear. However I also think that the internet is a place where I can be my real self and say how I really feel.

People follow/subscribe to Facebook,YouTube, Blogs, etc. voluntarily. Even when I do post things online, people can simply unfollow if they don’t like my opinions or complaints about my personal life. That’s how I look at it anyway.

Body dysmorphic disorder seems almost identical to gender dysphoria.

In both cases someone has flaws about their body that they don’t like and want to change. I would say gender dysphoria is probably a subtype of BDD where the body parts that make them appear male or female are what they wish to eliminate.

And it wouldn’t be much of a problem for someone who had the money to do surgery, hormones, or whatever else they want to do. After all a person should be able to do what they want with their body.

Only trouble is that it requires getting approval from other humans and having loads of money. So because of this lack of money people are just forced to live with the things they hate.

And that’s pretty much what I’m going through right now.