Chandler’s Honesty Part 1: Chandler Meets A Unicorn
Chapter 0: Something is Missing
Chandler Klebs was an old man. At least he felt old. He was 31 years old and had a good job and was involved in dance classes and played video games with his friend who lived nearby. He also occasionally did digital art and loved to walk and ride his bike. Some people were impressed with Chandler because he seemed highly intelligent and had so many things he could do very well. He was a good employee and his mother was proud of him.
However Chandler did not feel very good about himself and he did not feel purpose in his life. Although he was doing quite well compared to others his age, he felt that he was not where he wanted to be in life and that he was never good enough for himself or others. He also had many secrets that he dared not talk about because he was afraid that people would hate him and make his life difficult. His greatest fears were losing approval from his mother or losing his job. He was afraid and didn’t know why.
Some of Chandler’s secrets were so secret that even he didn’t know what was wrong with him. He didn’t know it at the time but something was missing. Each night when he went to bed, Chandler cried about the things that bothered him. Humans could be very terrible animals and Chandler knew it. He was hopeless because he felt powerless to change other people and he felt that his happiness depended on others.
Although Chandler was depressed, he preferred inconvenient truth over convenient lies that most people rely on to make themselves feel better. He may have had an understanding of the kinds of dangers that could happen in life but he had also forgotten something that everyone needs to know. He had forgotten how to dream.
Chapter 1: The Unicorn of Dreams
One night Chandler Klebs had a dream. He was in a field full of horses, watermelons, flowers, cashew trees and everything he loved.
He was confused and wondering if what he was seeing was real or simply a dream. Before he had time to think much about it, a large horse with a silver horn walked towards him and started speaking in English.
H: Hello Chandler. I’ve been waiting a long time to talk to you!
C: Who are you? What is this place?
H: This is the land of your dreams. You are sleeping and have many thoughts going on in your head.
C: Yes it’s true. I’m on a journey of self discovery and have been trying to figure out who I am and priorities in life. But how did you know this?
H: Because I live in your head and I know all your thoughts. Even your deepest darkest secrets are known to me.
C: Tell me, why do you come to me now after all these years?
H: Because you were not ready to face your greatest fears. But I see your emotional state has improved and I am here to help you if you are willing.
C: I need all the help I can get but what makes you think you can help me if my mother and my therapist can’t?
H: Because you keep secrets from them because you fear being judged and rejected. I already know everything about you and there is no need to explain yourself or justify anything you feel or have done.
C: But you are a figment of my imagination. What can you tell me that I don’t already know?
H: The secrets you’ve kept even from yourself. Sometimes you need to hear the truth straight from the horse’s mouth. You won’t trust humans because they have hurt you badly.
C: And not just any horse, I see. A unicorn. Tell me about the silver horn on your head. I can see my reflection in it.
H: My horn is the mirror of truth. It shows things as they really are.
C: I value truth highly but I’ve come to believe that some things are better not mentioned. People cannot know how I really am or I will lose even the things I have and the people I depend on.
H: I know you are afraid but the truth cannot be hidden forever no matter how much you would like it to be.
C: I know this is true but what can I do? What good can come from talking about my past with an imaginary unicorn?
H: Much, as you will soon understand. All fictional things come from the things which are real. This is a dream but it contains much truth.
C: I can see that this place has the things I’ve dreamed about. My favorite foods and horses running around. But what good are my dreams? I cannot make most of what I dream a reality.
H: You misunderstand. Just as dreams are the mess of thoughts from the real world, the things people do start as dreams from their strongest desires. You know this to be true from your art and computer programming. You see it first in your imagination long before anyone else can. You must first look at your dreams if you want to change your life.
C: I understand what you mean. But what is the meaning of this dream and how is it that you can help me?
H: I can explain what you desire and what keeps you from it.
C: And what is that exactly?
H: You want to be understood and accepted for who you are and not feel the need to keep secrets.
C: Yes I do but how is that possible?
H: Don’t get ahead of yourself. Just because something isn’t possible doesn’t mean that you don’t wish it were so. This is the land of your dreams. As you said, most of your dreams can’t become a reality but you must dream anyway and face your true desires and memories.
C: But if I think about what I wish, I only become angry that I cannot attain it. And if I face my memories, all that will come from that is that I’ll cry and get really depressed and attempt to hurt or kill myself.
H: Just like you did before. You tried to avoid the things that triggered you but it never worked.
C: Then tell me, what solution do you suggest? What wisdom do you have when you’re just a dream?
H: I’m more than a dream but I’ll have to explain that later. For now I’m only asking you to trust me. If you think I’m just a dream then why are you so afraid of me?
C: Because I cannot trust anything or anyone anymore. Not even my own mind. Any fool who thinks they have answers for me is just a liar. Nothing can fix me. I’m broken beyond repair. I just want to make a positive difference in the world for others before I die. There is no time to dwell on the past. If I haven’t healed by now from all that has happened to me, then surely I’ll be dead anyway before I get my act together!
H: But what is your alternative? To cry everyday about what happened to you. To have it interfere with your job, art, and games. You haven’t been able to focus your attention and you’ve only gotten worse.
C: But I can’t talk to anyone who I can really trust. My mother can’t handle what’s happening to me. She’ll only worry and freak out. Besides she has her own problems enough in life. My therapist is only meeting with me because he gets paid for it. If my medicaid ends and I can’t get another insurance to cover my therapy then I lose him anyway.
H: That’s why you need me. As sad as it is. I’m all you’ve got left.
C: I don’t believe this. I’m talking to a unicorn in my dreams who claims to be the one friend I can trust.
H: Yes, you don’t believe me now, but you will!
Chapter 2: The Anger of Chandler
C: What is your plan and how can you help me?
H: Correction, you mean how can you help yourself! I am after all a dream of yours. You have the answers but you refuse to talk about what happened to you when you were two years old. You need to start there because that was when you lost something you don’t even remember anymore.
C: But no good can come from talking about it. I only told my therapist because my mom suggested it. I would rather not talk about it. It’s not as if I have the power to go back and stop it from happening nor will telling people about it prevent it from happening to other children.
H: What you need to learn is that sometimes you need to talk about it not because you can undo it or prevent it but because you need to talk about it. You want to understand why you act the way you do but you haven’t looked at the most obvious reason.
C: Fine, you annoying horse. If you insist then I’ll tell you what happened. Sure you already know this but I was raped in the butt and it hurt. I still remember the pain and confusion. But it’s hardly a big deal. Others have suffered far worse. Every animal in factory farms experiences far more abuse than I ever did. I have to help them and nothing else matters anymore.
H: But if you cannot manage your life without crying over what happened to you, then maybe it’s a bigger deal than you thought. If you cannot heal from this, then what hope is there for the others?
C: I don’t know what healing is. This isn’t like some minor injury that is completely forgotten. I’ll always remember as long as I live. I often wonder if death is the only true cure. There are some things that cannot be undone. Maybe all hope is lost. Sooner or later it will be over for me.
H: But what about before death. What will you do with your time until then?
C: I imagine I’ll be working and taking dance classes and at least have some form of happiness.
H: That’s good and you can enjoy what you do best. But is there anything beyond that that you’d like?
C: I try not to think about it. I can’t change other people and I’m kept from my true desires by this stupid human society I have to live in.
H: Suppose there were no other humans. What would you do?
C: I would go to a place that is warm all year and grow every kind of fruit tree and grow all my favorite fruits and vegetables. I would basically have all the land to myself and have an abundance of food to give to all the animals around. I so wish that the human race could go extinct.
H: And yet you yourself would like to live forever in peace without them.
C: Yes, if I had that kind of ideal environment and could theoretically live forever happy and healthy I would. But I know I will die eventually anyway. Even if all humans were extinct, including me, at least they could no longer hurt and kill the other animals. The cows, chickens, pigs, turkeys, goats, sheep, horses, and everything else would finally be free to walk wherever they wish and have nobody fence them in or put them in a cage. Humanity is merely a cancer on this planet. Humans destroy everything.
H: But you don’t.
C: I’m hardly an example of a human. I do not think like other humans. I’ve often thought it was my autism but I think it’s more than that.
H: What do you think it is?
C: I can see beyond gender, skin color, and species. I see that all animals are the same thing. Everyone is the same thing. They all eat, drink, pee, poop, sleep, and have talents and other things they want to do.
H: But there is one other thing they do. They also have sex.
C: DON’T REMIND ME!! I hate everything about sex. I hate penises, vaginas, and the reproductive system which forces all life forms, including humans, to come into this world only to be killed either before birth by abortion or killed later on by disease or violence done to them by other humans.
H: This is what you need to talk about. You are very angry and this would be very obvious even if I didn’t already know your whole life.
C: Why are you trying to upset me? You told me to trust you! Surely you can’t expect me to listen to you as you try to defend the human race.
H: I’m not here to defend or justify anything. I am here because you need to understand the source of your anger and what activates your rage. Otherwise how will you avoid an outburst at work, at your friend’s house, or in front of your mother?
C: I’m hoping that I can avoid the topics that upset me, and yet it seems everything is connected.
H: Yes, religion, politics, carnism, and sexuality are your biggest triggers and they are connected to what people do. This is why you avoid social situations isn’t it?
C: Yes, as much as I try to be friendly and just have fun with my co-workers, I’m terribly upset about all the little things they say. When I see people eating animal products I’m reminded of the murder they are paying for. When I hear them talk about God or church, I just see them as hypocrites for not following the golden rule even though Jesus supposedly taught it. When I hear people talk about being democrat or republican I’m upset because I know that political parties are social clubs which make people feel like they are superior to someone else. Everybody just wants to feel that they are right and others are wrong.
H: What about you? Do you feel that you are right and everybody else is wrong?
C: Perhaps on some issues. When it comes to veganism or being pro-life, I feel that is the only way for any sane person to be. Otherwise a person is basically saying that murder is acceptable. But why ask me this? Surely you are not going to tell me to stop speaking out against these crimes of humanity?
H: No, why would I? I am a part of you and of course I agree with all your opinions on religion, politics, abortion, and of course I’m vegan. That’s why I’m a horse! While nobody else understands why you like horses so much, I do because I was created as a unicorn because of your fantasy of the perfectly nonviolent peaceful animal!
C: Yes, horses are the most peaceful and beautiful of animals in my opinion. I know that this dream with these horses running around is what I’ve spoken about many times. Horses don’t seek to kill other animals and eat them. I bet the thought never even crosses their mind!
H: You would like to be a horse wouldn’t you?
C: If there were no humans to hurt me, I would like to be a unicorn just like you. The powerful legs to run, a magical horn that can move objects with telekinesis so I could scratch my back when it itches or bring down fruit from the trees to eat. I’d like to get rid of this weak human form and not be seen as a human.
H: And what is so bad about being a human?
C: What’s bad about it is that other humans look at me and assume that because I look like the same species as them that I care about the nonsense that they do. I care nothing for sex, sports, religion, politics, or the other stupid things people do like getting drunk and doing dumb things they don’t even remember by the next day!
H: You really hate humanity don’t you? Even yourself?
C: I hate the actions of humans. Their existence means that they have the potential to do terrible things both to other humans and all the other animals. I may have turned out to be a pacifist vegan but I’m the exception, not the rule.
H: Yes and this is why you hate the topic of sexuality. Tell me about that.
C: Yes, I hate sexuality most of all because it’s everywhere and I can’t even enjoy a good movie or video game without some element of sexuality being thrown in. More specifically I hate heterosexuality because it creates the new humans who will suffer and cause others to suffer.
H: And there is something else too. It reminds you of the abuse that happened to you.
C: Yes it does. I cannot handle anything that involves a penis. I can’t stand to look at my own either. It reminds me of all the evil in the world! My life would have been so much better if I didn’t have anything down there to remind me of what happened to me and the fact that others are having sex all over the world!
H: And that’s why you tried to cut your genitals off wasn’t it?
Chapter 3: Self Harm
H: Let’s talk about what happened in your life at the time when you started trying to cut your privates.
C: It was in June of 2008. I was sent home from the Navy back in March and after I stopped being sick, I started going to Lakeland Community Church. I was real depressed at the time.
H: What made you so depressed?
C: I felt like I had failed at the one chance I had at getting out of the stupid life I had. I had hoped that if I survived the Navy long enough I could get rich and move to another country away from all the people who knew me and start over. I was home and I was still unemployed. I wanted to feel useful so I started volunteering for things at church.
H: Did that help?
C: Yes it did. While I was busy I didn’t have time to think about my problems.
H: But what about the rest of the time?
C: I was angry at all the idiots who turned against me at my last church. I also was angry with my childhood friend who told me that I brought my problems on myself for joining the Navy even though everyone warned me it was going to be hard.
H: You knew that but you still joined the Navy. Why was that?
C: I figured that I could either succeed at something or at least get killed in a war or something. Either way I’d feel better. I didn’t have much to lose. And my ex-best friend was right. The Navy was hard, but not in the way she and those stupid men at church had told me. It was something else.
H: What was it about the Navy that was hardest for you?
C: For me it was having to take showers in a group with all the other men. Seeing the naked bodies of other men was far more traumatic than even seeing my own. Sure I hated my own body but at least I was used to it.
H: And did this experience have anything to do with you attempting to cut off your penis a few months later?
C: Absolutely. I wanted to get rid of anything that reminded me of the memories of the penis that raped me and the naked penises of all those men in the Navy! I was terribly unstable! I tried cutting it off with scissors but the pain was unbelievable!!
H: How did you feel after that?
C: I felt more like a failure than I had before! Not only could I not get a job or succeed in the Navy. I couldn’t even cut my penis off! I was the ultimate failure.
Chapter 4: Nobody can understand!
H: After you tried to cut your penis off, you told your mother about it. Why did you tell her?
C: I’ve never really been quite sure. I sometimes wish I hadn’t because she became worried about me. I usually try to hide my problems from my mother. There is no way she could really understand. I often wish I had never told her.
H: Are you really so sure? She’s experienced much pain in her life as well.
C: Yes, but that’s different.
H: What is the difference.
C: Well to start with she doesn’t have a penis. She doesn’t know what it’s like to have a weapon of torture attached to her body 24/7. How could a woman see a part of her body as evil as a penis. Nothing is so evil as a penis. It is the ultimate weapon causing more suffering than any gun or bomb humans invented. Aside from that, she probably still believes that it’s part of God’s design or something like that.
H: You don’t trust your mother, do you? Do you feel like she’ll make false assumptions about you because she doesn’t understand?
C: Yes, it’s not that she doesn’t care about me. I know she wants to help but I don’t think she can because my problems are too complicated and a woman does not understand enough about the male body to understand the hatred of my penis and my gender dysphoria.
H: Could a man help you any better?
C: Sadly, I think not. Men love their penis. A man’s penis is his identity these days. They want the biggest dick possible and think it makes them superior. I , on the other hand would love to be rid of it! I’m no man and anybody with half a brain should be able to see that.
H: So if you don’t trust men or women because they are unable to understand, who can you trust?
C: Apparently a unicorn in my dreamland. Although I’m still not sure why I should trust you. You’re an illusion caused by my own mental illness!
H: Although you don’t trust people, you still changed your schedule so that you could attend the LGBT group. Why was that?
C: I am hoping to learn about myself. I’m still so unsure when it comes to things like gender identity and sexual orientation. I’m so glad I left Christianity behind when I was 25. Now I don’t have to feel like I am sinning by being supportive of gay and transgender people. I was always confused about why Christians picked on the gays so much.
H: Let’s talk about why you stopped being a Christian. It seems to be important to you.
C: Where do I even begin? There is so much wrong with the beliefs of Christianity. The bible is full of weird contradictions. Christians are split into thousands of denominations and even two of them that attend the same church cannot agree on what the same verse in the bible is supposed to mean.
H: So you didn’t know what to believe anymore, did you?
C: Nope, I didn’t have a clue. I tried reading so many books and listened to so many podcasts. When my mom would interrupt me while I was trying to learn the answers to my questions I got really angry. She didn’t understand that I had to start believing the right thing as soon as possible so I didn’t go to hell!
H: That was your fear wasn’t it?
C: Yes. I think it’s the fear upon which all Christianity stands. Without it people would just believe what they want and not worry about whether God was going to throw them into a fireplace.
H: Are you still afraid of hell?
C: No, I don’t think that there is a hell after death or even a God for that matter. I think religion was something invented as a tool to control people and get money from them. It works really well, too.
H: What happened between the time you were afraid of hell and when you were no longer afraid of it?
C: One day I had a revelation. Whether I am going to heaven or hell is something I can do nothing about. What is the point of fear if it does not help me avoid the danger? Christians can’t agree on why god sends somebody to heaven or hell. Some say it’s based on whether you believe in Jesus. Others think that being heterosexual and going to church on Sunday is enough to go to heaven. Regardless, I can’t choose my beliefs or actions.
H: Is that because you understand the illusion of free will?
C: Yes, I know now that we don’t really have a choice because our experiences and genetics form our beliefs and our actions stem from those beliefs.
H: Yes, and this is how you came to understand that being sexually abused was not your fault and was not even the fault of the boy who raped you.
C: Yes, I no longer could be angry with him nor could I be angry at myself for my own emotional problems. I know I’m a mess and I have done a lot of stupid things in my life but I know it’s not my fault because I could not have done or felt differently. The only way I could be different now is if I had different experiences. If I had never been molested as a child, or maybe if I hadn’t been taught Christianity, I would have turned out better than this.
H: And if things had been different in those ways, what would you be like?
C: That is a GOOD question! I haven’t the foggiest idea!
Chapter 5: Who could I have been?
H: Let’s try an experiment. Imagine if you had been raised by different parents who loved you and each other and that you got along with your siblings too. Suppose that you were never raped as a child and had grown up in a non-religious home What do you think it would have been like?
C: I would probably have had a happier childhood doing art, playing video games, and dancing. Basically the same as I try to do now except that I would not be crying about the abuse done to me or seeing my mother be abused by my father.
H: How do you feel about the fact that you were home-schooled? Do you wish that you had gone to public school like most American children or do you still prefer to have been home-schooled by your mother?
C: I have mixed feelings. I know that public school in Kansas City did not work for me and that I was bullied and abused by kids there. The teachers also didn’t teach me anything and even back then it was my mom at home who taught me to read. So in the circumstances, homeschooling was right for me although I do wonder what I would have been like had I been raised in a public school environment instead and I wish I could experience it in another life for a few reasons.
H: What reasons do you wish you had a public school experience sometimes?
C: Because the fact that I was taught something different than the majority of other children makes it hard to relate. Although I’m very glad to have skipped sex education and also never had to dissect animals in science class, the fact is that I don’t feel that I deserve this luxury. Sure, I was better educated by my mom but I’ll also never know if my success in life is because I am smart or because I had a better education than others who were not able to be home-schooled. Most parents are not able to home-school their children because they have to leave home and work jobs for money. So I want to know that I would still be the person I am today and have the beliefs I hold because it’s part of me rather than because I was indoctrinated to think one way or another just because of how I was educated as a child.
H: You are saying that you are simply curious and want to know how you would have turned out if you had an experience like most of the other children. That makes sense.
C: Yes, but I’ll never really know if it would have made a difference or not. It drives me crazy not knowing, but I know things would have been different relevant to religion and sexuality.
H: Do you think you would view religion or sexuality differently than you currently do?
C: Yes, because I would not have been reading all those Christian home-school books which were full of verses in King James Version English that told me to be afraid of going to hell and to believe the right thing. And aside from the psychological damage the fear of hell did to me, along with Christian materials and belief systems comes teachings on what a man or woman should be and a strong emphasis on homosexuality being wrong. So I feel that years of my life were wasted trying to unlearn the bad things I was taught as part of homeschooling. But it was also church that damaged me, too, even if I hadn’t been home-schooled.
H: So what if you had been raised by atheist or agnostic parents who never took you to church and maybe you had either been home-schooled by them or had gone to a very good public or private school that taught you to read as well as your mother did? Do you think that would have been better?
C: Quite possibly, I would have been allowed to explore what my religious beliefs and sexuality were without the fear of hell or being told that a specific god was mad at me and wanted to send me to burn in hell forever.
H: Would your sexuality have been any different?
C: No, I would still not be attracted to people in a sexual way and the human body is still very gross to me. My being Asexual wouldn’t change at least.
H: Do you think you would have believed in some form of god?
C: Probably not. I would have no reason to. I think it’s the kind of thing a person needs to be indoctrinated with from the beginning of their life or the question wouldn’t cross their mind. In fact, I would most likely never have heard of the bible or that there was some guy named God.
H: But do you have the same questions everybody else asks? Where do we come from and where are we going?
H: Do you have any opinions on that?
C: No, not really. I think both of those questions are flawed. First I shouldn’t assume there was a beginning nor can I do anything about it now. Second, nobody can predict the future and nobody really has the answers about what happens after we die if anything happens at all.
H: You’re quite practical aren’t you?
C: Yes, I prefer to focus on the things that I can change rather than those I cannot.
H: What about other important aspects of life on this planet. Would you still have ended up a vegan? Would you be single or would you have married someone? What career would you have had?
C: I certainly hope I would have gone vegan or preferably had been raised in a family that taught me the truth about how we can live only on plants and that there is no need to kill animals.
H: What about the other questions?
C: It’s hard to know really. I would probably have still been an artist. Maybe I would even be working in a grocery store just like I do now. It’s hard to imagine an alternate life.
H: Then maybe it’s time to go back to your current life. Are you happy with your job and your talents.
C: Yes, very much so!
H: Is there anything you wish you could change?
C: I wish I made enough money to get my own place and live entirely alone so that I can decide exactly every single thing about what I eat or wear and when I sleep. I want to establish a routine that I’m most comfortable with.
H: Living alone sounds like your ultimate dream!
C: Yeah, I think it would be so much easier.
H: Is there anything that would make you want to live with someone else?
C: Well yes……..but forget it……it’s not that important.
Chapter 6: Lonely
H: There is something you don’t want to talk about. I can tell.
C: Yes, I’d rather not. This is way too personal to share with an imaginary horse.
H: But you forget, I already know! Shall I tell you?
C: Go ahead, let’s see if you really know me as well as you think you do!
H: You want somebody to be with you. You want someone to dance with, to play video games with, to go skating, to watch My Little Pony with you and enjoy it as much as you do!
C: Yes. It’s true.
H: And yet you do not want to admit it either. You’re lonely and wish there was someone who can fully understand you. Someone who knows everything about you and still loves you anyway!
C: Yes, but that’s a silly idea. Nobody can really love me if they know the truth! They would turn against me and love somebody else who is worth their time.
H: It may appear that way, and yet still, you wish it were possible don’t you?
C: Yes, sometimes I think about it.
H: I know exactly what you mean. I see the way you cry when you see couples dance together at the holiday parties or when you arrive early at dance class and see Susan training couples in partner dancing.
C: Yes, but that is something I have to let go. It’s not as if I could find somebody who loves dancing as much as me and yet also is somebody who would consider me their significant other. Even if I were not a self-destructive gender-confused atheist vegan, the odds of finding somebody that isn’t already in a relationship with someone else is practically impossible. And aside from that, they would want me to do some kind of sexual act. Relationships seem appealing until you realize it’s just a tower built on sexual desire.
H: But you don’t want to have sex with anyone and yet you still want the relationship!
C: Yes but I don’t think it’s possible.
H: But you still want it to be. Just because something may not be possible does not mean you should lie to yourself and pretend that you don’t want it.
C: What is the point of wanting something I can’t have?! All you’ve done now is made me VERY ANGRY! I don’t want to talk about this anymore!
Chapter 7: What do you want?
H: Why does it make you so angry just to be asked what you want?
C: Because I want to extinguish desires that cannot be satisfied! I don’t want to talk about them. It only makes me want them more!
H: Dude, just chill! This should be easy! You have no problem admitting what foods you like. How is this different?
C: Because when talking about a person I would want as a spouse or dance partner, I should not view people as merely something that should meet my desires!
H: And that’s what is great about you. You see people as equals whose needs are as important as your own. Why would someone not fall in love with you?
C: Like I said, I’m a mess. I won’t match someone else’s desires.
H: But what if someone else’s desires were compatible with your own? What if a mess like you is just what somebody else needs?
C: I had never thought of that!
H: Look, this is hypothetical. There no consequences for telling yourself what you basically already know you want.
C: I guess you’re right.
H: Suppose you met another person who loved you for who you are. Would you prefer this person was a man or woman and would you live with them or live separately but still visit frequently?
C: I don’t want to sound sexist, but I would prefer a woman. I have enough trouble with my own penis and trauma from sexual abuse and I dislike seeing a man as much as I dislike my own body. We could live together and eat the same food because we would both be vegan.
H: And what kinds of things would you do together?
C: We would go on long walks and go skating or bowling. We would play video games and dance!
H: What would this woman look like?
C: I’m not gonna get into that. In fact I dislike the idea of setting up ideals of what a man or woman should look like.
H: But this is the place of dreams and ideals that never happen in the real world. This is a someone you’re designing just like the Duck, Rabbit, Butterfly, and Horse you made and published in your art books. You have an idea of what those animals look like so what makes a human different whether they are male or female.
C: I guess because I’ve been influenced to see other animals differently. Humans have one key difference compared to other animals . You can usually tell the biological sex of a human in less than two seconds by a quick glance even without knowing their genitals. This has always been a problem.
H: It’s certainly a problem for you. Why is that?
C: Obviously I cannot stand the male form because it implies a penis, it implies that a sexual act can take place with it.
H: What about women, is there something about women that bothers you?
C: Yes, women are beautiful. It’s sort of hard to explain and in fact I often avoid the question. Many times in the past there will be men who will ask me what sort of woman I find hot, sexy, or attractive. When this happens, it bothers me greatly because their beauty attracts unwanted attention. Whenever I am asked these types of questions, I change the subject, except that one time when I was at a restaurant with the Life Christian Center youth group. In fact I am very surprised I even remember that incident.
H: But you do remember and there was something about this incident that made you answer. What was it?
C: Because that time, the person who asked me to describe my dream woman was in fact, a woman.
Chapter 8: Beauty and Fear
H: When that woman asked you about your dream girl, what were you thinking and how did you answer.
C: I was thinking that the question was silly and I was also hoping I didn’t offend anyone. However I was surprised for a woman to ask me and I wondered why she even wanted to know. I told her that I liked “fatter women”. The group laughed and apparently thought it was funny. It wasn’t a proper answer but I wasn’t planning on giving a speech.
H: How would you answer now if another woman asked you the same question?
C: I’d tell her first of all not to try and conform her body to what I describe. I absolutely hate how women starve themselves or paint their face with makeup until they look like a clown.
H: But if you did answer according to what you’ve thought about before, what would you say?
C: One who is strong and athletic from years of dancing and other physical activity. Just one of her arms can lift 30 pounds and she can run long distances. Yet at the same time she is covered with a layer of fat that hides how strong and toned her muscles really are underneath. She has hair about 3 feet long that looks great whether just hanging down or collected into a ponytail.
She looks quite ordinary and is not someone that would be spotted out of a crowd nor what straight men would call sexy or some ridiculous model you would see on a cover of a magazine. Just healthy and one who is concerned with doing what she loves. She does not care for shallow friendships nor the activities of other people she finds to be wasteful. She has a good conscience and always does what she believes to be the right thing.
H: Wow, where did all that come from?
C: You said you know everything about me. I’d like to hear you explain why I think of this as the ideal woman. I need to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth!
H: Very well! You built a woman based on yourself. The one that you’ve often wished to be. She has your interests and a high level of muscular strength because you’ve always wanted to be strong to protect yourself and to do the difficult tasks you have to do. She is ordinary looking and not something others perceive as sexually attractive because you don’t want to draw attention to yourself or have others see you as a sexual object. Like you, she craves deeper relationships based on understanding and cares most about doing what is ethical and treating others as you yourself want to be treated.
C: Exactly. I have thought long and hard about who I want to be. At times I find women who have those positive characteristics that I value most in myself and I find myself wanting to know more about them. The woman I described has the same attributes that I consider a good thing in myself and which is true of many women and sometimes even of men. There is nothing unrealistic about those attributes when isolated but one person rarely, if ever, has all of them.
H: This woman sounds so much like you that it can hardly be said if it matters whether it’s a man or a woman!
C: But it does matter. I know it shouldn’t matter to me but it does.
H: And why is that?
C: Because a woman, no matter what she looks like to other people, does not have a penis. Sure, women have their own sets of problems. They are often abused by men and treated as less than men in many places in society, but there are problems they never have and that they are lucky to never experience. They will never have to look between their legs and see a device of torture permanently attached to them. They will never sit on their testicles and experience the terrible pain and frustration of having these useless objects that stick to their legs and get sweaty and stinky and get hurt way too easily. They do not experience erections that come at unwanted times and cause them pain as their penis fills with blood and expands and can’t fit in their clothes. All of these things are my greatest fear and women will not understand what it feels like. What I fear about women is that they will fear me. I do not want them to think that because I have a penis that I would ever in a million years use it to hurt them.
H: This is what separates you from women just as you are separated from men.
C: Yes, this is why I have been unable to to trust even my own mother because she can understand many things but I think it’s impossible for her to understand this. I am afraid to speak to the women I like because they will misunderstand me. I do not want them to accuse me of sexual harassment. I keep thinking about what I can do to eliminate the risks. I only become more lonely and isolated as a result. This fear is my enemy.
Chapter 9: Judgmental People
H: How do you feel after talking about these things that have been bothering you for years?
C: Much better. I’ve never had the chance to talk about these things with real people. They wouldn’t understand and they cannot imagine how uncomfortable their questions make me. Like that often asked question of why I don’t have a girlfriend. It’s a silly question often asked by other young men. They probably don’t mean anything bad by asking but it’s one that I don’t want to answer.
H: Why are you so afraid to answer that question?
C: Because it’s a losing situation. There are more reasons I could give them than I can even count! However, I would overload them and it’s impossible to explain without also explaining the sexual abuse because that has a lot to do with it.
H: How does it relate? Do you think you might have dated women or even been married to one if the abuse had never happened?
C: It’s a possibility, I suppose, but also something I will never know. However, now at the place I am at in my life and the things I understand, it’s extremely unlikely anyhow.
H: Why do you think it’s unlikely.
C: First, it’s sexist to even like women more than men. I can’t help but like how women act and look. I want to treat men and women as equals and I feel that I am probably slightly nicer to women than to men because of my prejudice against men. Second, even if I happened to meet a woman who was an ethical vegan and enjoyed doing things with me, I must guarantee that she will never want sex.
I was once lied to by a woman who claimed to be asexual but fell in love with me anyway. She came and visited my town without warning and stayed with me and my mom for a few days. She tried to talk me into sex. She even pulled my shorts down and put her mouth on my penis without my permission. I was horrified and felt like I was being raped all over again except it was even stranger because a woman had her mouth on my penis! I pulled her off and said “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”. Apparently I scared her because she started crying. I will never forget that because it taught me something else.
H: What did it teach you?
C: It taught me that as long as I have that penis, there will be others who say they love me only so they can do some sexual thing with that penis.
H: And is this why you don’t want anything to do with even the appearance of dating women?
C: Yes, the very last thing I need is people thinking I’m straight. I’ll have more women hunt me down trying to have sex with me. At the same time, I don’t want people thinking I’m gay because then I’ll have men try to date me and abuse me which could be much worse than anything a woman could do to me.
H: Given your experiences, it’s quite easy to see how afraid of humanity you are. Not only do they kill billions of animals and eat their bodies but they are also a threat to your own body because they may see you in a sexual way.
C: Yes, I trust no one. I try to keep everyone at a safe distance so that they cannot hurt me. I tell them I am asexual because my intended message is that I am someone who does not want to have sex with them nor do I appreciate them trying to talk me into it or assume that because I’m a man, I would be interested in dating, sex, or marriage.
H: You care a lot about how other people think of you don’t you?
C: Yes. Although I put on an act pretending I don’t care what people think, I care greatly about how people perceive me because they have the power to hurt me. They can pick on me about sexual matters if they discover this weakness. People have already successfully angered me by trying to justify killing of animals after they find out I am vegan. However, if they find out about my history of sexual abuse and that twice I’ve made attempts to cut off my own body parts, they will lock me up in some psych ward of a hospital and I’ll lose my job, dance classes, and even my ability to use the internet to learn things and to educate others about going vegan! I’ll lose everything if they truly know. People are judge-mental and will use any information they have about me against me. The less they know, the better.
Chapter 10: Happiness or Truth?
H: How do you handle your fears about humanity?
C: I really don’t. I just distract myself with other things because I know there is no solution.
H: Why is there no solution?
C: Because my fears about humans are genuine. Everything I fear is something they are doing. If this was my imagination then it would be a mental illness that theoretically could be cured. But it’s not my imagination that this world is full of murder and rape. This is why I wish I had never existed.
H: And your hatred of all things sexual has a lot to do with the fact that it’s the cause of procreation.
C: Yes, even if I hadn’t been raped as a child, I would still avoid heterosexuality because bringing people into this world is the ultimate crime.
H: Have you ever considered that your fears could be a strength?
C: How so?
H: You fear the things that were done to you and so you do anything to avoid them happening to yourself or others. You make sure not to cause harm to others. Why is this?
C: Because I know precisely what the dangers are and a general idea how they can be avoided.
H: Yes. Think of it this way. Suppose that you had a happy life and had experienced no major suffering. Everything was happy. You had never been abused and had no fears about what may happen in life. Do you think you would spend so much time trying to avoid these potential dangers?
C: No, because I would be unaware that they were happening to others. I probably would not have even known other children were being sexually abused. I might not have even been aware of what was happening to the animals.
H: Yes, but because you suffered, you became aware of these things and therefore you went vegan and decided not to reproduce.
C: Well, when you put it that way, it’s true. Maybe I would be ignorant in these matters. Maybe I would be just like most people, happy in their own ignorance. Wait a minute……that would be even worse than I am now!
H: So which do you really want? Happiness or Truth?
Chapter 11: What is Truth?
C: I’m not sure I know anymore whether I want happiness or truth. I used to think I had an idea what they were but I’m not so sure anymore.
H: What do you think truth is?
C: Seeing things as they are rather than as we would wish them to be.
H: You consider truth to be important, right?
C: Absolutely. Honesty is the best policy!
C: Because if you don’t know the truth about what causes something, you can’t do anything about it. Knowledge is power, truth is power!
H: Well said. Now do you see why you needed to talk about these things that bother you? If you don’t know how your past affects your behavior now, how do you hope to change it?
C: Good point. I guess it’s better to live in truth. But is it possible to be happy while still knowing the truth?
H: That is the right question!
Chapter 12: What is Happiness?
C: How can I be happy while knowing the world is full of evil? Should I even want to be happy knowing that billions of animals are murdered because people want meat, dairy, eggs, and honey? Should I be happy knowing that women and children are abused by the penises of men while the Christians claim it’s part of the plan of an omnipotent God?
H: What do you think happiness is?
C: I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I want happiness or if it’s just a thing I’ve been indoctrinated to believe exists. I don’t feel like this life is worth living most days.
H: What keeps you going? Why do you try to use your talents and try new things. Why do you take dance classes, play video games, and work your job?
C: Because I can at least escape from my problems when I’m doing something I enjoy. I also have to work because I need the money for food and paying bills.
H: When you do the things you enjoy, would you say you’re happy?
C: I guess so. But is that happiness or is it something deeper and longer lasting? When I’m dancing I feel great. When I’m playing games I’m so focused on the challenges I set for myself that I can think of nothing else. The problem is as soon as I stop, my depression comes back. I wish there was something more permanent than a short feeling while I’m doing something I like.
H: Do you think there is such a thing?
C: If there is, I don’t think I’ve experienced it. I’m not sure if other people are really happy or if, like me, they are just putting on an act so that people don’t ask them what’s wrong.
H: So you’re putting on an act?
C: When did I say that?
H: Like 5 seconds ago. You were wondering if other people were putting on an act and pretending to be happy like you.
C: Wow, I never thought about it like that. I wasn’t even aware of it.
H: You said honesty is the best policy, yet you also try to make other people think everything is fine. Why is that?
C: When people ask me how I am or what’s going on, I know they don’t really mean it. It’s just a common expression in society that gives the illusion of friendliness. When somebody asks me how I am or something like that I usually say good, fine, or alright to get them to go away.
H: But is that the truth?
C: No……I guess it really isn’t.
H: Then why do you lie to them?
Chapter 13: Stranger Than Fiction
C: How dare you accuse me of lying! Who are you anyway? You never answered my question when I met you!
H: Who do you want me to be?
C: Quit avoiding the question! I’m in a dream talking to the first Unicorn I’ve seen and all it does is ask me questions and provide no answers! It’s time for YOU to answer a few of my questions before I say anything more! I’ve told you too much already.
H: I’m only playing the same game you do. You avoid questions that you’d prefer not to answer. I am the same because I AM you. Chandler, YOU ARE THE UNICORN!
C: I don’t understand, I thought you were just a figment of my imagination yet you ask me questions that I don’t want to answer. You had better start explaining yourself because you’re nothing like me!
H: Alright, I’ll finally tell you who I am but before I do, you must answer my question. Why do you tell people you are fine, okay, good, or whatever when they ask about you?
C: Because I can’t tell them I’m an emotional wreck. They’ll only ask me more questions and judge me. I could even lose my job if people find out how much I hate my own life and how I hate humans because most of them are murderers who have sex and produce even more murderers! They’ll lock me up for sure! I have to pretend I’m fine or I’ll lose my job and people will become afraid of me, thinking I’m crazy or even dangerous!
H: I gotta say, you are rather crazy.
C: Yeah but I don’t want them to know that. I’ll lose everything! But now you know and so you have to answer me. Who are you and why am I in a dream talking to a Unicorn?
Chapter 14: The Identity of the Unicorn
H: Fine, I’m gonna tell you who I am but it’s a little hard to explain. I am you but not the same as you currently are. I am your subconscious. I see all things that happen to you and that’s why I know everything about you. I ask the questions that you have been afraid to ask because you have buried many painful memories that you will not look at. However, when things trigger you because other humans ask you certain questions, these memories come back and you act strangely. You want to be able to answer these questions in a truthful way rather than just avoiding them. As you know well, you’re not a liar. That is to say you don’t tell people things to deceive them but rather just as a way of avoiding your own pain. You’re also not very convincing. You tell people you’re fine but they don’t believe you. They can tell by the look in your eyes and the sound of your voice that you are not fine but they also don’t ask further beyond that because they know you don’t want to talk about it.
C: This is unbelievable.
H: Unicorns usually are hard to believe, but you want to believe, don’t you?
C: Yes, but why is my subconscious a unicorn?
H: Because unicorns are magical. We make no sense. We have a horn that serves no purpose. We fart rainbows and have all sorts of magical powers. Besides that we live forever. We do not follow the rules of logic nor were we created with the intent of making sense or following rules.
C: What do you mean “we”. How many unicorns exist?
H: All of them and yet at the same time, none of them.
C: That makes no sense!
H: Of course it doesn’t! Your memories don’t make sense to you and so your mind takes the shape of the most illogical animal even created by humans!
C: Unicorns are created by humans?
H: Yes, but not intentionally. We were sort of an accident. A freak of nature you could say!
C: Explain this. I have to know about the creation of unicorns!
H: The unicorn is from a class of animals created in the dreams of people. Different animals represent different emotions. Different people make animals that match their own emotions. For each person it’s different. However, many humans have a desire for purity, innocence, child-likeness or whatever you prefer to call it. The basic idea is always the same. A being that represents the opposite of fear. We are peaceful like the horse, yet at the same time powerful, like a horse. We have horns on our head because something needed to be added to the horse to make it different. The horn can represent beauty as simply an artistic thing or sometimes even be used as a weapon for self defense. Everybody has a general idea of what a unicorn is although this changes over time as humans evolve.
C: This explains why there are so many movies and books involving unicorns. But tell me, what does your horn represent?
H: My horn is a mirror representing truth. Truth is so important to you that you quickly gave up religion when you saw that it contained contradictions that could not all be true. You also watched the slaughter of animals even though it was hard for you. Why did you do these things?
C: Because if truth is ignored, then all is lost, nothing makes sense, and we are powerless to change the things we don’t like.
H: Yes, the truth is all important, at least it is to you. That explains my horn. Your subconscious reflects the truth.
Chapter 15: Confusion
C: So if you’re my subconscious and know everything about me, then can you help me out with something I’ve been confused about?
H: That’s why I’m here.
C: As I mentioned earlier, I don’t trust humans in general but I have a particular prejudice against men. Men are generally violent. They like movies of war, blood, horror, and sexual acts. They are competitive and nuts about sports. As I also mentioned, some of them even like to compare who has the biggest penis. I find their behavior absolutely repulsive and I worry that it shows.
H: So you think they can tell you don’t like them?
C: That’s what I’m afraid of. I try very hard to treat everyone equally no matter their gender. I think of men and women as different species of apes. They are different in so many ways. It’s not just their appearance that is different but their behavior. It’s rather the behavior that bothers me. I like the way women talk and the interests they have in general. I have nothing in common with men and so even if I try to be their friend, it’s hard because I find them repulsive
H: You have no problem with your friend Lucky who lives two streets away. With him you play video games, disc golf, pool, bowling, and whatever else he happens to be doing at the time. He’s a man but you have a great time with him and don’t seem worried about it.
C: Well that’s different. I observed him for years at work before I finally talked to him and suggest we start playing video games and hanging out.
H: So when you observe someone long enough and they seem safe, you’re not as afraid?
C: Yes, I suppose that’s the case.
H: Then maybe it’s not as big of a deal as you thought. You may be afraid of someone at first but you can overcome it.
C: Do you think others can do the same with me? Can they see that I’m not dangerous?
H: If you can learn to do this then it makes sense that others could.
C: That’s a nice thought. I really hope so because I don’t want anyone to be afraid of me.
H: Why is that?
C: Because if people are afraid of me then they will never be willing to do things with me. I enjoy playing with Lucky and I wish that I had the same thing with other people.
H: So you really want more friends.
C: Yes, I want to have fun with others too. But I don’t want it to just be fun activities. I want that deeper connection. Even my friendship with Lucky is still limited. He sees me all the time but he knows nothing about the struggles I’m going through.
H: Do you want him to know?
C: It depends. What if he stops liking me? What if he starts avoiding me and it ruins the fun we have now?
H: Do you think it’s likely to happen?
C: Probably not but it’s a risk I’m not willing to take.
H: He means a lot to you, doesn’t he?
C: Considering he’s the best friend I have at the moment, yes. He means more to me than anyone else I know from work. I don’t think I could handle losing him. But maybe if I had lots of friends then the loss of just one wouldn’t mean so much.
H: How would you go about finding more friends.
C: I’m not sure. I try to get to know people at work. There is Elsa at work that I’ve known just as long as Lucky. However, I’m not sure how she feels about me. Not too long ago I sent her a message on Facebook telling her all the things I like about her. I told her how I love her singing and her beautiful voice. I told her that she was always respectful to me about the veganism even though she’s not vegan. I told her I’ll never forget the way she laughed when she saw me in my unicorn costume when I worked on Halloween. I told her that I could tell she was a kind person when I see how much she loves her dog.
H: And what was her response?
C: She said it was nice of me to send her such kind words.
H: Was that the reaction you were expecting?
C: No, it’s much better than what I expected.
H: What were you expecting?
C: I assumed she would probably ignore me or tell me she was creeped out that I study her so much.
H: But is that the reaction you would have if someone had told you a bunch of nice things about yourself?
C: Well no. Of course not.
H: Then why do you think Elsa would be different?
C: I guess it’s because she’s a woman and so I automatically assumed she would be afraid of me being a man.
H: Maybe she does not fear you as much as you fear men. You fear yourself and assume that others do, too.
C: I am afraid of myself, but I don’t know how to explain it.
Chapter 16: Fear of the Monster Below
H: Why are you afraid of yourself.
C: It’s not so much afraid of myself in general as I am afraid of my private parts that I cannot control. The slightest touch by my clothes in the wrong way can cause an erection of the penis that is very painful. It interrupts me during work and I am angry that I have to deal with it. I feel like I would do anything to eliminate the erections.
H: These erections bother you in more than one way don’t they?
C: Yes, in at least 3 ways. First, it’s annoying. That is the one body part that moves with a mind of it’s own. It’s not like an arm or leg that moves exactly as I intend. I feel it is not part of me yet there it is, making my life more frustrating. Second, it brings back memories of the abuse every time it happens. Third, and most importantly, other humans think that erections have something to do with sexual attraction. If people know I have erections they will use it against me. They’ll tell me that I’m not asexual because I have erections! They think that if a man has an erect penis that it implies he wants to have sex. I don’t want people to say that I am not legitimately asexual just because I have this thing attached to me and sometimes it reacts to certain things.
H: Why do you care so much about what people think? Does it matter what they say about your sexual orientation or lack thereof?
C: It matters because first of all, when they don’t believe me and still think I’m a sexual being of some sort, they’re basically calling me a liar. That hurts really bad. Second, what little reputation I have at work or with other people who know me online will be ruined if people spread rumors that I’m either straight or gay. If women think I’m straight, they’ll think that I’m nice to them because I want sex with them. If anybody thinks I’m gay, they’ll bully me just as they do other gay people that I’ve heard tell their stories about the discrimination they face.
H: So you’re afraid someone will see that you’re having an erection and then make assumptions that you’re some kind of sexual predator or monster?
C: Yes, that’s a good way of putting it. I’m afraid, very afraid, of the monster below. The penis that does as it wishes. I really wish that I could have it removed. My attempt to cut it off years ago obviously didn’t go well. I also attempted another thing a few months after that. I tried cutting off my scrotum to remove my testicles. I figured since the testicles are the source of testosterone which controls the frequency of erections, eliminating them might at least prevent the penis from becoming erect again.
H: If you no longer experienced erections, would your penis bother you as much as it does now?
C: Not nearly as bad. It might be hard for me to accept that it’s there at all but it might help if it wasn’t growing three times as large at unpredictable times! I’ve read that without the testicles, erections become rare or never happen at all. This could be the solution for me.
H: And what has your research revealed on this topic.
C: What I want is called a bilateral orchiectomy or surgical castration. Historically humans have castrated men for years. Usually for religious reasons. However my reasons are really quite different. The point is to make sure no sperm or testosterone are produced. Without the testicles to produce them, there will be no need to masturbate and release the sperm. I find it a rather gross and painful thing to do and I think I would be happier if I never had to worry about erections interrupting my life.
H: And you would have this done medically by professionals if you could afford it. You’ve thought long and hard about this I can tell.
C: Yes, I certainly have. I just wish there was an easier way. It would have been nice if I had instead been a girl right from the start of my life and never had the penis to worry about in the first place. Maybe I’ll be rich enough to afford it someday but it annoys me that I’d have to pay for such a thing. I’m gonna bet most insurance plans, especially medicaid, would probably not help with something like that.
Chapter 17: A Secret Wish
H: You mentioned that you wish you had been a girl instead of a boy. Would that have made anything easier in your life?
C: Yes, I believe it may have. For one thing, even if I had still been abused, not having a penis and balls attached to me would have meant I would be less likely to get triggered by memories of my past. Additionally, since I always did prefer the company of women more than men, if I had been a woman then I would automatically be trusted. Women talk to each other about things that they don’t talk to men about. I really wish that my male body I currently have was not a barrier that separates me from the other women.
H: Are you fully aware of what women go through with their own bodies? You know they have problems too.
C: Of course not, but if I was one of them then I would know all their struggles because I would have the same type of body that they do. Nothing would be a secret to me and I would finally understand how women think because I would have lived a life as one.
H: You really wish it were possible to restart your life as a girl?
C: Yes, I feel that if there was a magic button I could press or there was a genie that granted me three wishes, this would be one of those three. That much I can say for sure. I used to pray to god to turn me into a girl or to let me restart life as one. Now I’ve given up the idea because I don’t think there is the magic that exists which can do this however badly I want it.
H: You want something yet at the same time believe it’s impossible. Wouldn’t you say it’s a contradiction?
C: Yes it is and it’s awkward to admit but sometimes I want to believe in magic. I want to believe in the stuff of fairy tales where dreams really do come true.
Chapter 18: I want to believe
H: What is it that you wish to believe? What dreams do you wish you could make a reality?
C: I wish to be in a place like this forever. To have all the food of every plant type I want whenever I want it. To have a beautiful female body and be friends with all the animals. I ,and all the animals, would be immortal. There would be a fixed number of us. Nobody would reproduce and nobody would ever die. There there would be no violence. All animals would eat only plants and would get along with each other.
H: Your dream is very different from your life in the human world isn’t it?
C: As different as night and day. In the real world, humans kill other humans and other animals all the time. Other animals such as lions, bears, and wolves also kill other animals. Because of the scarcity of plant food in many areas, it’s obvious why animals can’t live without eating each other. The problem would be solved, of course, if not a single animal was capable of reproducing. The lower the population, the more food there is for all of them.
H: You wish even for the non-human animals to go extinct eventually by no longer procreating?
C: Not exactly. I would rather that there be two of every kind of animal but they are gender-less so that they never have sex or procreate. I would want them to be immortal and never die.
H: This dream you have is incredibly like the Garden of Eden as described in the bible isn’t it?
C: Yes and that’s probably where most of this comes from. The Christian influence is still much too strong on my mind as much as I’ve tried to forget it.
H: Why have you tried to forget it?
C: Because Christianity contains many painful memories for me. The fear of hell and the fear of a god that hates me or is angry at me. The biggest fear, however, is not even of God or the devil. My greatest fear is the humans who invented Christianity and all the religions that came before it.
H: Do you think humans created the idea of God?
C: I believe they did. I think they wanted to believe in something bigger and more powerful than themselves. Something that would be able to help them in their time of need. They prayed for rain, for food, for rescue from whatever evil they faced at the time.
H: Just as you prayed for God to turn you into a woman?
C: Yes, exactly.
Chapter 19: The Compassion of a Woman
H: Do you really want to be a woman instead of a man? What appeals to you most about the idea?
C: I think the number one thing is that a woman is the opposite of a man. Men are violent killers whereas women are nurturers. That is to say that men destroy life whereas women protect it. From my experience this seems to be the case. More often it’s men who hunt and kill animals and more often men who work in factory farms. Women are far more likely to be vegan than men.
H: Why do you think there is this huge difference between men and women?
C: I think women are generally more caring and compassionate. I think they empathize better with the animals, particularly the female animals who are used as breeding slaves and then have their babies taken away and killed. Women would find this unthinkable if someone continually raped them and then killed their children. Because of this, women feel that going vegan and not supporting the industries that hurt animals, they are following the golden rule. Men are the opposite. Killing and eating meat is considered manly. Men are also afraid of that silly myth that soy will feminize them. Men just don’t seem to care as much.
H: But you care. You care so much about the animals that you gave up everything. You gave up animal products and you gave up the religion that you were taught because it justifies animal killing. You have even given up the idea of ever having sex because you want to make sure you cause no harm.
C: Yes, but I’m different. Surely my compassion is what makes me feminine, or perhaps men might say that it’s all the soy milk I drink. Either way, I’m clearly no man. I’m not manly by any stretch of the imagination. If I had been a girl then my compassion would fit in with society. It’s okay for women to love their children and other animals but it’s not okay for me.
H: Do you mean that it’s not okay for you personally or not okay by societal standards.
C: By societal standards, of course.
H: Maybe you need to focus on what is okay for you rather than what is okay for the rest of society.
C: Maybe so, and yet I feel the pressure daily that I must be the perfect ethical vegan and example of nonviolence and true love. If I am good enough, I’ll inspire others to do the same and save many animals from pain and death. This is why I care so much about societal standards and how people perceive me.
H: If you care so much about standards of society and the example you set, then what kind of example does it set if you have an orchiectomy and have your balls removed? What example do you think that sets for them? Should they follow your example and remove their testicles as well?
C: I do think it sets an example for them. I’m not saying that all men need their testicles removed but I do think it says a lot more about me and what kind of person I am. It says that I have rejected my “manhood” both internally and externally. This is different because I’m doing this to remove my source of pain. I’m doing this for myself and so it is not like the other actions I do in life. So an orchiectomy is not about setting an example for other humans. After all, it’s not like I’m going to tell everyone I meet that I had my balls removed to get rid of my painful erections that are caused by testosterone. They’ll never know the difference, because I wear pants. But I will feel better because I’ll no longer be in pain. This is something that I must do for me.
H: Exactly. I’m glad you are doing this for yourself. You’ll never succeed at pleasing everyone and you know that. But doing something that is right for you is important. You are doing this for the right reason.
C: You’re right. I want to do this because it’s right for me……but isn’t that selfish? I usually do things entirely based on how it affects others.
H: But even Jesus said that you should “Love your neighbor as yourself”.
C: I should love myself?
H: How can you love others fully unless you do? Be compassionate for yourself as you are for the animals.
C: You’re right, Honesty, I should love myself as I love others. This is something I need to work on more in my life.
H: But I also think you are setting a good example for others at the same time. You have explained that you have compassion that is usually associated with women, even though you were born with a male body. If you had been born in a female body, you would have faced less criticism of your sensitive and caring nature, but it would also reinforce the stereotype that only women can behave this way. Perhaps you are setting an example of the right way humans should be, no matter whether they have testicles or not! You have shown you have both the compassion of a woman AND the strength of a man.
C: Maybe you’re right. It is more meaningful that I am this way and that someone can still love others even if they are a male. I know this because it’s true of me. They can follow the examples I set in other areas of life even without changing their body.
H: Yes, because people should be free to be loving and kind to children and animals without being hindered by worrying about the assumptions others will make about them. The standards of society should change to what is right rather than you or anyone else conforming to what is accepted by the current societal standards. Be the change you wish to see in the world!
Chapter 20: Eunuch for the Animal Kingdom
C: After talking about this, I guess I realize that I have the compassion of a woman and maybe that’s enough. I’m still going to become a eunuch though.
H: You learned that word from Jesus, too, didn’t you?
C: Well, yes, that’s true. I’m not sure if Jesus even existed at all but there is something he said that I’ve thought about for years.
For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. ” — Matthew 19:12
H: When you were a Christian, what did this verse mean to you?
C: I have tried to make sense of it for years and never could. However, I could not escape the feeling that I was one that was able to receive this truth. But not for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. I have a different kingdom that matters to me.
H: And what kingdom is that?
C: The animal kingdom!
H: You believe it will help the animals as well.
C: Yes, there is something that has been on my mind for a long time. It’s very common for humans to castrate their male cats and dogs to prevent the possibility of unwanted babies from ending up killed in shelters. It’s basically a form of anti-natalism applied specifically to those animals humans consider as pets. Additionally, the animals still live for years and appear to be just fine. It was this that revealed to me the safety of castration aside from my research about the eunuchs throughout history which sometimes have longer lives than intact males.
However, I feel like most humans are hypocritical. They’ll take a dog to be castrated but they will never dream of doing it to themselves. I feel that it’s speciesist. Before I can approve of it being done to other animals, I must be willing to have it done to me.
H: And so you want to be consistent in your ethics?
C: Exactly. Not only will I benefit personally because I will no longer have as much trouble with unwanted erections and not be reminded of what happened to me when I was two, but also, I will finally be able to say with confidence that I treat myself no different than I would another animal.
H: You want to find the best solution for yourself and the animals. You love them as you love yourself.
C: Yes I do. And perhaps other humans will learn from me someday.
H: What do you think they will learn?
C: That sometimes when you love someone you have to make a sacrifice. Sometimes you need to give up something valuable because it’s the right thing. I was prepared to give up meat, dairy, eggs, and honey. I was prepared to be criticized by society when I tell them that other animals are equal to humans. I was prepared to give up my former dreams of being a normal person who falls in love and gets married and has children. If there is anything I can do to show humans what love is, I’ll do it.
H: Even give up your manhood?
C: To be honest, it’s not that much of a sacrifice. Not like I was ever a real man to begin with. I’ve learned to love as a woman loves her child, to love as my mother loves me!
H: Surely no man has greater love than this, that he remove his testicles for his friends!
C: Now that’s a funny one. Jesus didn’t exactly say that but in a way it’s ironic because most men would rather die than sacrifice their balls. Their male identity is everything to them!
H: Luckily, you’re no man!
Chapter 21: A New Hope
C: So clearly I’m no man. That much I’ve always known. And when it’s a possibility for me to have an orchiectomy, I certainly will not be a man physically any longer. I’ll be a eunuch!
H: Or maybe “unique”.
C: Very true. After all, never have I met someone such as myself!
H: Do you like the person you are?
C: Yes. I like that I have have dreams, talents, and something to believe in.
H: What is it that you have to believe in?
C: It’s kind of hard to describe. I guess you could say I’ve come to have hope once again that things will get better.
H: What is it that makes you feel that way?
C: I feel like a heavy load has been removed from me. Finally I’ve been able to talk to someone about how I really feel. I think that now I understand what it is I need to do.
H: What is it you need to do?
C: I need to be honest with myself. I need to talk about my problems rather than pretending they’ll just go away on their own. I need to remove my testicles because I know it’s what I truly want. I need to stop trying to please other humans and be who I really am on the inside.
H: Yes and above all, Chandler, keep dreaming for dreams are not an illusion. Dreams are your desires. You desired to know what love is and you found it. By loving the animals you learned to love the animal that is yourself!
C: It’s true, I am definitely one unique animal!
H: Yes, you are the unique eunuchorn!
Chapter 22: Is This Goodbye?
H: It’s almost time for you to wake up!
C: I have woken up! I understand everything!
H: No, not everything. This is just the beginning. You still have many journeys and decisions you will face in your life. Everything we’ve talked about will become clear in time even more than it is now. And when I said it was time for you to wake up, I meant your alarm is about to go off. You’re still in a dream remember?
C: I forgot, this is all a dream! Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!! Will I remember any of this when I wake up?!
H: There is nothing to remember! All these things were merely things you already knew. All I did was ask the questions and all you did was answer yourself! You already have everything you need! Now go and live your dream!
C: Will I ever see you again?
H: Yes, every time you take a look in the mirror of truth. Just remember that I am always with you because I am you. My job is done for now. You have to go back to the human world.
C: I really don’t want to. Why can’t I stay?
H: This dream world takes tremendous power to sustain. You need fuel and so you need to get up and eat. You need to take care of your body and be the example that you said you wanted to be. Go and show the humans who you are and in time they will learn. Be patient with them because sometimes people are not ready to face the truth but they will when the time is right. There will be a time when you are ready to see more of the truth. When that happens you will see me again, I promise. I will always be here when you need me.
C: How can you promise such a thing?
H: Because I can never leave you. I am you!
C: So this means you’ll always be with me as long as I live.
C: What do you mean?
H: Before you go remember this: unicorns never die!
Chapter 23: The Dawn of the Eunuchorn
Before Chandler could ask what the unicorn of the dream meant. He suddenly heard his radio alarm turn on and it woke him up. After he had some caffeine and started to wake up, he thought about the dream he had. Was it a dream or did it really happen? Was the unicorn his subconscious or was it real? He was clueless but he knew there was something more to these events than it may have appeared at first. He knew one thing, he would see the unicorn again before he found the answer.
C: The unicorn said “unicorns never die”. What did it mean? I don’t know whether what I saw and heard was just a dream or something more, but I want to believe.
Chandler went on to have many more experiences and impact many lives. Some humans criticized him for sticking to his convictions but now something was different. This was not about what the humans wanted him to do with his life. It was about what he knew he needed to do for himself. For the first time in his life he was glad to be alive. He often wondered about the reality of his conversation with the unicorn. Over time however it seemed that it didn’t matter. He found something to believe in and he had nothing to prove to anyone. He decided other people can think what they like.
The post you just read is part 1 of my unicorn book. Consider buying the book to read parts 2 and 3 as well. Also if you have read, consider writing a review on Amazon or Smashwords and I may share your review on my blog. If you received the book as a free gift from a me or someone else and want to support me as an author, you can also try donating to me and supporting me as an author.
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