Chastity White Rose

Tag: life

  • The Power of a Smile

    I work at Walmart, and I am the one famous for smiling all the time. This behavior is non-characteristic of autistic people like me, as far as I am aware. The truth is that I use it as a mask to hide what I am really thinking. I use a sense of humor to act like I am not bothered by the offensive things people say and do. Surviving in society and working a job requires me to be an actor. I dislike this because it feels dishonest, and yet I know I can’t say what I am really thinking about because it has nothing to do with work, nor is it socially acceptable to say.

    I very clearly remember multiple instances when I smiled at someone, and then they acted really uncomfortable, and one even ran away. I have realized I have the power to get rid of people by smiling at them in a way I have been told is creepy. And yet, I don’t actually know how to smile like a human.

    In any case, I have come to see a smile as an illusion that society forces us to maintain, or else there is severe punishment. If I were to show my real feelings towards certain people, I would probably be fired or even attacked. I think that if I ever have a real smile, it is when nobody is watching and I am alone. I will remain mysterious because it makes me safe, and it is fun to annoy people with the power of a smile.

    “Just because you see a smile, don’t think you know what’s going on underneath. A smile is a valuable tool, my dear! It inspires your friends, keeps your enemies guessing, and ensures that no matter what comes your way, you’re the one in control.” – Alastor the Radio Demon

  • Professional vs Open Source

    I totally spent 5 hours writing a program in Assembly Language. I realized that what I am doing is something that cannot be done for money in any way. The best that I can do is to learn the technical skills and then continue working on my books and API references I plan to write.

    But as far as my programs themselves, they don’t fit the model of how the world works. In a job, you are constantly pressured to do as much work in as short of a time as possible. Therefore, you are paid, hired, or fired based on how fast the program can be written for the client, regardless of whether it works correctly or has bugs or security flaws.

    But when I write computer software for myself, I am the only one to decide whether it meets my standards. I have said many times over the past 20 years that I would not want a job as a programmer. This is because I am only interested in the things I want to do. I find that I am at peace when the things I do are not attached to the love of money.

    I believe that money and the corporate world actually ruins top quality work. There are also things that the Open-Source Software movement has made possible that could never be done under a company with a proprietary system. Strangers who don’t even know each other offer improvements on programming forums to people out of the goodness of their heart with no financial incentive.

    I see something similar in the world of Chess. People who are playing for fun can enjoy the game at a higher level than those who are stressed out competing in tournaments to win money. I sometimes feel myself pulled in a direction I didn’t know existed. I will work to explore this feeling I get where I achieve inner peace for a moment when I am having pure fun and losing track of the time.

    I used to feel this way when playing video games as a kid. Now I get it from writing books, blog posts, and computer programs. I still enjoy games though. I plan to eventually getting back into my games but I have had a busy life lately.

  • Chapter 16: Pedophilia is no Joke

    An event happened that made me feel suicidal in the winter near Christmas time. A team lead at Walmart decided it would be a good idea to bother me while I was stocking the baking aisle A17. He decided to ask me if I wanted to have children. I told him maybe if I were married and wanted to adopt children. And he said, “No, I mean HAVE children in a way like pedophilia”.

    I was upset at the time, but told him I would never hurt a child because I know what it’s like to be molested. He went on, and I went back to stocking and trying to look like I was okay. Inside, I was thinking, “What the hell?!?!?! Why would he even ask me that?”

    A few days later, I questioned him on why he asked me that. He said he was joking, but I said it was not something to joke about at work and distract me from my job. He said, “Why does it bother you if it’s not true?”

    He apologized, reluctantly, in the presence of the overnight coach who witnessed our short fight.

    I was not completely satisfied with this, and he still made plenty of sexual jokes over the next few months. After a while, I really started wondering if he jokes this way with everyone (not good), or if he specifically is targeting me because I am a transgender woman.

    At first, I was afraid to report it because I knew the history of LGBTQIA+ people being accused of all being child molesters. It also became more prevalent during this time because of the open political hatred of transgender people during 2024 and 2025. Therefore, I had reason to believe I could be arrested just on the accusation of being a person who was sexually attracted to children, even if I had never done anything to suggest this was true, nor would I have done something sexual to a child even if it were true.

    I had a difficult decision to make:

    1. Report to ethics and get fired because they will probably think I am a pedophile, and then call the police. I could be written into a sex offender registry, quite possibly be sent to a men’s prison, and be raped by actual violent criminals.

    2. Quit my job to avoid seeing this team lead, who apparently thought I was a pedophile and that it was some kind of joke to ask me about it.

    3. Commit suicide because I live in a world where other transgender women are murdered every single day by transphobic people who assume they are criminals and deserve it.

    4. Stay silent and hope the problem goes away.

    I chose option 4 for longer than I should have; however, Pride Month of 2025 broke me emotionally. I started working on my book, Walking the Rainbow Bridge, for my Portfolio 3 project with Full Sail University.

    During this time, I did a lot of research and read the worst transphobic content on the internet. I became very depressed as I considered how dangerous the situation was. Finally, I decided to make a report against this team lead to protect other people. No matter what happens to me, I don’t want him to talk to someone else this way.

    1. It is simply unacceptable to distract someone from the work they are being paid to do with personal matters that should not be discussed in the workplace.
    2. Even if someone is a pedophile, this is not the same as a child molester. People don’t have to have sex with someone they are attracted to. Therefore, they are not a threat to anyone, especially if all they are doing is stocking shelves at Walmart.
    3. Pedophilia is no joke. It is an unfortunate condition to be attracted to children sexually. I feel bad for these people because they were also born with a brain that does not operate in a way society understands, and they face much persecution. This topic is nothing to joke about; no matter who you are or what your position is, it is not funny.

    Also, to make matters clear, a Pedophile is someone who is sexually attracted to children. A child molester is someone who actually tries to have sex with children. A person can be a pedophile but never have sex with children. A person can molest a child even if they are not a pedophile. These two things are only loosely related.

    I am tired of being treated as if I were some kind of danger to children. I was quite offended and depressed at the thought that this team lead thought that I wanted to have sex with children. Even now, I worry about what led him to think this about me. Is it because I am transgender, or is he trying to tell me something about himself? Either way, this has no place at Walmart or anywhere, for that matter, except perhaps a therapist’s office.

    The only reason I wrote this is so that people are aware of the reality that the innocent rainbow people are often accused of unspeakable crimes against children. But that’s not even the worst part. Those who are raping children are not the ones being called pedophiles. Most children are raped by their own fathers or a catholic priest. An overnight stocker at your local Walmart is not someone you should be afraid of. But that one team lead who thinks Pedophilia is some kind of joke, I still worry about him whenever I have to work overnight at Walmart.

    The conversation on the topic of Pedophilia should be had only outside of the workplace, but I do believe it is worth discussing. There are two main types of pedophiles.

    1. The people sexually attracted to children who will try to rape them if they have the chance.
    2. The people sexually attracted to children who, despite being sexually attracted to them, know that children cannot consent to sexual behavior of any kind. They know it is wrong to hurt children and would never do anything.

    However, society in general does not know the difference between these two types. More importantly, those who are born with the unfortunate condition of being attracted to children don’t really have a way to seek help. If they talk to a therapist about it, that therapist will probably be required to report it to others, and therefore, the person ends up on a sex offender registry, despite not committing any crime or even intending to.

    Therefore, the sad truth is that it seems the only option for a pedophile is to commit to a life of celibacy and keep their attraction a secret. Perhaps this is why the profession of being a catholic priest seems so attractive to people with this condition.

    But I also can’t help but wonder why people have repeatedly accused me of being a pedophile. My only guess is that they take my lack of sexual interest and lack of any activity as a sign that I am the same as those priests who claim to be celibate but are raping children.

    The difference is that I am a celibate person, not because the catholic church mandates it, but because it is the right thing to do. Unlike most Christians who view homosexuality as a sin, I apply the same standards to all sexual activity, no matter whether it is heterosexual, homosexual, adult, or child.

    I would prefer a world where biological sex and genitals didn’t even exist. Then no more children would be hurt. I say this as a child who was raped at the age of two years old.

    No, I am not a pedophile, and no, I do not in any way condone sexual relations with children. However, if being paranoid and protecting your kids from anyone who you think is a threat keeps them safe, then I suggest you do so.

    I have intentionally held back writing this chapter for months, even though it was on my mind constantly. However, just a few days ago, on September 10th, 2025, Charlie Kirk was shot in the neck and died very quickly. I just wanted to make sure that before someone shoots me in the neck that I have written what I need to say. Every death is a reminder of how short and unpredictable life is. Don’t wait until it is too late to write the book you have been planning, spend time with your loved ones, and live authentically for what you believe in, even though doing so is probably why someone will shoot you for it.

  • Chapter 12: Why I Don’t Use the Women’s Restroom

    There is a lot I could say about the never-ending bathroom debate, although it will be ignored. The issue would be resolved if unisex restrooms became the norm, as in one person, one toilet, and one sink. This design was how the restrooms were at the Hy-Vee where I used to work. In fact, originally, they had gendered signs. There were 6 restrooms, and 3 were labeled female and 3 were labeled male. Eventually, they got rid of those signed and replaced them all with unisex signs. There was no point in gendering them because only one person went in at a time, and no one’s privacy was ever violated.

    If businesses took the same method as the Hy-Vee on Rice Road in Lee’s Summit did, there would be no bathroom debate over whether transgender people should be allowed to use the restroom that matches their sense of gender identity.

    This problem is kept alive because society wants an excuse to be hateful to transgender people. I am fully aware of this, and I know that my solution will never be implemented on a wide scale. For this reason, I would like to go a step further and explain why I never use a women’s restroom.

    I don’t use the women’s restroom because I need to protect myself from the women. The worst men could do to me is rape me or murder me when I use the restroom. However, what a woman can do to me is far worse. If I were ever foolish enough to use a public women’s restroom, it would only take one woman in there accusing me of trying to assault her sexually. Of course, it would not be true, but it doesn’t have to be. Either way, someone will call the police, I will probably be arrested and sent to a men’s prison where I will be raped or otherwise beaten by violent men much more dangerous than those in a men’s public restroom.

    I also would experience no benefit to using the women’s restroom. I don’t wish to be around women I don’t know because I can’t trust them not to hurt me. I also don’t want to hear whatever conversations they are having. They are probably complaining about men, and they will see me as an enemy and accuse me of being a man. I don’t wish to deal with that.

    I have used the men’s restroom all my life and I have never even once seen the penis of any of the men there. That is because I am not looking for people’s genitals! Another thing I like about men is that they go in there, pee, poop, fart, or whatever. No conversations, no doing their makeup, and just getting back to working or shopping.

    Although my solution of continuing to use the men’s restroom is quite convenient for me, I completely oppose any law or policy that dictates what restroom people are forced to use. Such laws are impossible to enforce in any meaningful way. Do police have to stand at the entrance of ALL public restrooms and pull the pants down of anyone who just needs to pee? How does this work with people who have had their genitals removed through surgery? What about women who have short hair and therefore look just like men?

    I highly doubt that most people have logically thought about the consequences of trying to legally require people to use the restroom of their “biological sex”. It does not take into account intersex people or transgender men who look like someone who belongs in the men’s restroom because they have been on testosterone long enough to have a beard and a deep voice.

    I am sad that this bathroom controversy exists at all. Still, because it does, I would suggest that both transgender women and transgender men use the men’s restroom unless a unisex restroom is available. I have never once been attacked in a men’s restroom, but I happen to know a cisgender female former manager at Walmart who was attacked in the women’s restroom for the crime of having short hair. Honestly, at this point people are safer in the men’s restroom because even though some men in there may be dangerous, they will probably not be able to tell who they can safely rape or who might be strong enough to kick their butt. They will be less likely to take the risk, especially if they are in a room full of people who look like hybrids, just as I am.

    But regardless of anything I have said here, do whatever is safer in your specific situation and keep fighting for restroom equality! To police who can use which restroom hurts people who are not transgender because many women look like men if they have short hair, are taller, or are muscular because they work out. If you care about women’s safety, you will care about everyone’s privacy as they pee or poop. Using the restroom is not optional, and so everyone should be able to do their business free from harassment.

  • The Pet Ants in Our Apartment

    Recently we have had ants come in through the window in the kitchen somehow. We feed them fruit and other things. There are a lot of them but they are completely harmless.

    They stay in the kitchen and eat what we give them and never bother us. So we don’t mind sharing our abundant food with them.

    My roommate calls himself the ant daddy and gives them things daily. We are both vegan and believe in the equality of all animals so it’s really quite normal for us to do this. Spiders we try to remove because they cause us harm by biting us, and could also be a threat to our pet ants. Yet we don’t intentionally kill them and just try to remove them and take them outside.

    I think that little things like this show that veganism changes us in ways that is not easily understood by many. Respecting the smaller life forms is no different that what I want people to do for me. I want people to respect who I am. I am a life form just like those ants. I am bigger and look very different but I have a soul just like them. I know this and have been exploring this philosophically and think about it daily.